Cliffhanger Birthday

This is how it feels like to be in the mid-thirties, make up and all. 

For weeks, I imagine that when your age ends with 5, it is like dangling your foot on the edge of a cliff, thinking, waiting what would happen next if you try to move an inch. It is the closest analogy, right? People expect you to have a stable and good-looking life at 25. Then, at 35, they further expect that your life should have been bigger and better--bigger and better family, bigger and better kids, bigger and better career, and bigger and better experience. If I try to put it into my perspective, I think I would have gone off-balance and totally fell from that cliff because for the life of me, I absolutely wonder how life passed me by!

I think I have written almost a similar blog entry a decade ago. If I still remember correctly, I think nothing much has changed except maybe for a few small, almost boring happenings. Those life changing ones were, well, I'd rather not look back and think about them again. I have to admit that there are moments that when I get to think about what life has become, I just feel glum and low that even getting out of bed can be cumbersome. Some of you might say that I still have more things to be thankful for. While that may be true (and I am also well aware of it), I believe that embracing those dark moments is needed to appreciate more the bright things in life.

Now that I am officially 35, thousands of things are bouncing in and out of my head. I cannot mention all of them now, but to pretty much sum it up, I think it all boils down to this one simple question: what now? I know some of the answers are just within my reach, the rest may either be high above me, down below, or simply written in the stars, if you will. And because of that, I fear and long for that unknown. And I'm afraid this would continue this rollercoaster of whatever in my head! So I guess I am left with no other choice but to just wait and see!

But despite of having that daunting feeling of  getting older while all the people change and I still do not feel the same as them, I am still beyond thankful for the special day and for another year. It still never fails to show me that the people who surround me think of me different, and in a very good, special, and loving way! That's why I constantly tell myself that these people matter more than anybody else out there.  You know who you guys are. And allow me to thank you (again, from the core of my being) for keeping me sane--and making me feel loved for another year!

I would like to end by shortly summarizing how I ringed this 35th year on earth. Well, I splurged for a new color and 'do at this chic Korean salon at the mall over the weekend (as pre-birthday and pre-renewal of my driver's license. Charing!). Renewed my license on the eve of my birthday, and bought some Korean beauty products and treated the family at this new and hip Korean buffet downtown to celebrate the day. I realized later on that I was coincidentally--unintentionally--being Korean in celebrating this new age! Then I dreamily thought that maybe this is a sign of me going to South Korea either for a vacay or longer than a vacay! This may still be a far fetched idea at the moment, but I would like to think that it just may be possible, right? (Korea, here I come! Yahoo!)

So, I guess being at this cliffhanger age may not be so bad after all. And look at that, this quote even says so!

Cheers to another grand year! (I am sure of it 'coz I am attracting it starting yesterday! Charing!)

Catching Up in Four Letters

Star Wars as my first IMAX movie is an unexpected treat for myself.

After 2 weeks of inevitable delay (hope you don't mind me not elaborating what this inevitable delay was. Some people know what this was and I still find it too painful to speak of it, at least on print), I have finally seen Star Wars: The Force Awakens. 

Earlier last week, I told myself that if Star Wars is still on cinemas, I had to catch it come Saturday before it is too late...and to avoid hating myself the rest of the year, eventually. So by Wednesday, I was checking clickthecity.com for movie schedules. My first visit to the site pleasantly informed me that the 2 SM Malls in the city still show the film and based on the schedule, SM City Davao had the most feasible time slots. Right then, I planned to report to work on Saturday morning and head straight to SM after work to catch the 1:15 p.m. showtime. 

The plan was perfect. I thought that it would be also a perfect time to visit SM City again as it is too far for me to go now especially having 4 malls close to home and work. I could stroll around for an hour or two after the film and I would be home right before dinner. 

Saturday finally came. And like those past 2 Saturdays, things did not go again as planned. While at work in the morning, I checked Click the City again to be sure and discovered that SM City only had one showtime for Star Wars and it was at 12:00 n.n. There's just no way for me to be able to make it to that time, unless I skip work...or can fly like Superman...both impossible as we all know. That left me no choice but to check the SM Lanang movie schedule. They have Star Wars on 2 cinemas. One on their digital theater and another on IMAX. Their digital theater's first time slot was at 6:00 p.m. Which means that if the movie runs for 2 hours and 15 minutes, I would leave the theater at past 8 in the evening. Maybe even later. So that left me checking the IMAX schedule. Click the City did not have the time, so I checked on SM Cinema's official website instead. And as expected, they had an early afternoon schedule available. 

Now that got me to some deep brainstorming. I mean, an IMAX ticket costs more than twice as much than the regular cinema ticket. Eventually, I decided to give IMAX a go because a.) of its perfect afternoon schedule; b.) I have an e-plus card which entitles me to a discount; c.) I haven't been to an IMAX cinema anyway so better do it now with Star Wars for comparison's sake with good 'ol 3D; and d.) it was pay day weekend so I could pretty much afford it. 

So after a quick trip to the ATM machine, I headed straight to the ticket booth to have my e-plus card reloaded. The IMAX ticket is at Php 450.00 (WTF?!) but with the e-plus card I only ended up paying Php 400.00. Then the ticket lady asked me to choose my seat. Then she added, "ikaw pa lang ang tao, ma'am." My mind suddenly went overdrive. What if I have the cinema all by myself? I just had the cheapest exclusive viewing! Absolutely all worth the splurge!  And because I had no idea where in the cinema the best seat is for IMAX viewing, I asked her help. She recommended 3 seats on the center. After selecting my seat, I asked her if I can bring food bought outside the theater. As soon as she gave me a go, I paid for my ticket and spent the remaining half an hour before showtime to the supermarket for my snacks. 

The thought of having the entire cinema by myself plagued me the entire time I was in the grocery. I was imagining myself lounging comfortably in my chair (or maybe a couch, like in the Red Carpet cinema at Gaisano Mall), eating chips and gawking over BB8. It is an Instagram-worthy experience for sure, I told myself. I am going to have my picture taken with all those empty seats, even if it means handing over my dumbphone to the attendant, I added while giving a silent laugh at the thought. 

 After getting my glasses at the lobby, I walked into that very long hallway heading towards the theater. When I was finally in, my reverie earlier immediately went down the drain. The cinema looked exactly like their other regular cinemas, plus there was an elderly couple already comfortably seated at the very last row. Minutes after I  got myself comfortable on my pre-selected seat, 2 guys (allegedly a couple based on their body language) came in and took their seats a few minutes before the movie started (I know what you are all thinking now but what the hell? I'm happy having popcorn, chips, chocolates, soda, and water for company. Oohh hah!).  

 The first few minutes of IMAX was sheer torture. This was during trailer, my supposedly favorite part on movie viewing. I was taking off and putting on my glasses like they are the bane of my existence. I mean, sure the technology is great, but wild animals roam like they are a few inches away from you is not fun, especially if you do not know what you will see next (surprises are not my favorite element, thank you very much!). Thank God Star Wars did not have that kind of element of surprise, making me enjoy the film, except for some fight scenes involving the lightsaber. I suddenly missed the old school way of handling it. 

All in all, the circumstances behind this experience is more memorable than my firsthand experience to the technology itself. I am definitely sure that the second time may not happen soon, but if you ask me, nothing still beats watching a movie in 2 dimensional form. 

And oh, Gaisano Mall's Red Carpet seats still give the best seat in town. It is definitely all worth the splurge now, methinks!  *wink*

2015 --> 2016

It is that time of the year again! When another chapter closes in, here I am again thinking on how to rock the new one. But before filling up things to do for the new year, I would like to take a retrospective look on the newly previous year.

 Sibs’ AUS Fare

    After months of rigorous and VERY expensive preparation, they have finally set foot to the land down under this year. The family’s youngest went there first this July, then were followed by my youngest brother and his family 3 months later. That being said, this is the first holiday season that we celebrated without them. Even though we all know that they are finally there to chase their stars, we still miss their company every single day.

     

     
      BIGBANG MADE Concert 
One of the major highlights from my longest vacation for the year. I don't think I need to elaborate here since I have practically ranted that hazy, out of this world experience in my Instagram account!

     
  MDC

   The very major highlight of the year for me.  After years of highs, lows, and definitely utmost confusion, I finally got a new degree. Cherry and icing on the cake, I was able to receive my diploma with my batchmate cousin, and of course, Mom was able to have a brief homecoming in her hometown.

     

   Travels

    I think it is a blessing that I was able to visit 2…no, make that 3 places before the year ended. And I must add that this travel made me experience how it feels to fly thanks to the 7 Falls Zipline in Lake Sebu. It was a scary first 40 seconds, but the second round made me want to ride a zipline again!

   And because the new year also means I will be 5 years shy of when life begins, as they say, I am   

   hoping and wishing that I can make a few, if not a ton of rad things, events, memories, and

   experiences. Of course I have made up a few list of how it is going down. But in a nutshell…

   And for the director’s, rather, the author’s cut:

   Read books 

   When you no longer feel guilty leaving academic readings untouched, it is but high time for me to go back to this good ‘ol habit. I am not aiming for a dozen books or more this year, but realizing that I have finished more than the usual 1 or 2 books per year is good enough for me. Not to mention I have to start reading my growing collection!

   Write everyday, if possible 

   My first love. Always has. Always will be. And even if I still do not aim for the cream of the crop from this passion of mine, the least I can do is practice again, and marvel once again at the joys of marring a blank page with jibberish or what have you.

   

    Learn a new language

  Or in my case, relearn a language. I was practically exposed to 3 foreign language while I was a student. Unfortunately, all those classes only brought me to the basic level and has not been upgraded since. And because they say it is also fulfilling to be able to learn a new language, I decided to put one of those languages to conversational level, if not to fluent or native level. Chinese is well, difficult (and I am not also that interested to learn), and French,  while sounding romantic and bearing a similar structure with the English language, is not practical, unless I become a diplomat or begin to brush elbows with people owning diamonds as huge as a saucer (Chos!). Which leaves me now to Nihongo. It is just practical, at least for me, to relearn the language because a.) I am an avid viewer of their movies, animes, and TV series; and b.) my longtime dream is to visit Japan (if not given the opportunity to stay and work there for a year or 2. Libre lang naman mangarap, di ba?). I am thinking of enrolling to a language class. But my budget and schedule may not allow me, so while looking for a cheap option for this, I have to start reviewing the hiragana and katakana by myself this year.

    Run more 

    Like writing, this is one of those activities that I am interested to do (despite my struggle to run longer  due to heaviness [of my physique] and shortness of breath). This year, I am hoping that I get to have more balls to join marathons and fun run even if it means doing it alone (like what I did to last year’s Milo Marathon) and doing it at SM Lanang (I want to make a repeat performance of my walk going there last November!). Who knows? That would just qualify me to a more challenging route, right? Apart from that…

  Cut that waistline 

  Yeah. One of the reasons why I need to run as often as possible. Kinda tired looking fugly on photos to be honest. But food is such an irresistible lover! This is gonna be the most difficult task, I must say!

  Travel outside the country

  South Korea with my Big Bang Friend Forever and/ or college roomies? Or Perth, WA to visit sibs with the family? Either or both, I hope I’ll have enough funds to make this happen! After all, I’ll be 15 years closer to being half a century old! Hahahaha!

   Stay in a hotel room 

  I have realized during my official trip last November that staying in a hotel room can be a vacay in itself. I mean, who does not love a hotel room that has amenities mostly absent from your own bedroom? And because of that, I would like to make sure that I entitle myself at least a night’s stay in a hotel room during vacation. It doesn’t need to be expensive. As long as there is cable TV, shower and powder room, I couldn’t ask for more. I mean, it completes and adds spice and leisure to the travelling experience, right?

   Purchases/ projects 

   I always have a long list on this one. But if I am going to pick a major one for this year, I say I would like to purchase a laptop for myself. Because, allow me to sound a little bit forthcoming, having one this year will open more opportunities, I feel. I will leave it at that for now. Oh, and I must not forget. An external hard drive. Because that is just the only way to save files now. Darn!

     In closing, I would like to say that all of these would be possible if I bring back love to my life. With that I mean bringing fire and desire to the things I do and to what surrounds me. That is why I would like to wish that for this new year, I will be overflowed with love for me to have a  more fulfilled and fun-filled year ahead of me! I will end by posting 2 quotes that will best open my 2016. 

     A blessed New Year to all of us! Cheers!

On Death and (the Source of) Sin Tax

This afternoon, a high school friend messaged me that one of our batchmates, who was suddenly diagnosed of  stage 4 lung cancer, has already passed away. It was all so quick, so sudden. I just heard the news practically yesterday and then now he's gone.

Text messages from friends and batchmates were coming in my phone like frenzy. They even called when text messages took long to elaborate the news. Then a childhood best friend, who has been calling and updating me, informed me on the side that she quit smoking cold turkey after knowing the state of our batchmate. Our other best friend also did the same. They encouraged me to do the same, too.

Here's the thing. Most, if not all of us, are smokers. Since we entered college. I tried to stop smoking 8 years ago, and after 13 months of clean living, I reconciled with my old habit and it has been with me ever since. The idea of quiting just because someone we knew and were practically close with died of lung cancer honestly caught me in the middle. Part of me (actually, most of me) is defiant, like I still feel unafraid and invincible. He was fit and healthy (and a non-smoker, as far as I know) and he still caught the disease, anyway, I reasoned. Quitting now or not won't totally make any difference. On the other hand, I also acknowledge my mortality. I also know people who lived freely during their youth...and with that I mean they drank and smoked like there was no tomorrow...and they still live up to this day. But I know it is still too early for me to tell if I'd also get to see myself age and get all wrinkled up like them. My point is, life is full of mystery and good and bad surprises, and I am still as stubborn as a mule. I still think that just because everybody else is doing it doesn't also mean I do the same too, right?

But don't get me wrong. This news is also a wake up call. But what I want now is to grieve for the loss of this person who, at first was honest to show me he did not like me back in Grade 4 (or was it in Grade 3), but we ended up being friends anyway a year or two later. He became a constant caller at home when we were freshmen in high school after he told me of his intention (and my help) to court one of my best friends, and he was the one who told me to eat lunch with the rest of our batchmates during our first day in UPMin. Our connection went on when we both found out that we were accepted to the same call center (we flew to Manila on the same day, as well) and ended up as batchmates during training. He was the first one to quit the job , but I was surprised (again) to find out the following year that we were working at the same call center in Makati. We lost touch after that. The news I hear about him would either be from friends, batchmates, and Instagram. 

I've wanted to pay a visit when I was told of his state. But, for some reason, I was letting fate decide whether I am meant to see him again or not. I waited for friends to invite me to come visit him with them. 

Unfortunately, it is too late for me now. 

Jiggy, I know you are in a better place now. I am sorry I was not able to come say hi (or goodbye) to you, but do know that I am grateful for the times we have shared during our growing up years. Thank you for being a good person that you are. 

As for my habit, I still have 3 left in my stash. I have no intention of throwing it unused, but after consuming this pack, maybe I'll take a break for a while, as my way of celebrating and commemorating your life here with us. But rest assured I will take things slow from now on, most especially over this habit. I will be even more responsible, and will definitely make sure not in front of people who chose to breathe a fresher and cleaner air than I do. It is the least I can do, for now. 

Rest easy now, my friend.      

Reunion

You and me, a wild goose chase fit for a love story.

I imagine reaching out in slow motion, with arms stretched out, calling out your name, tears of joy streaming down like an early morning shower on a summer day.

Well, we know how this ends. We see it in movies. We read it in books. I still wonder 'till now if we get to see the same ending in real life.

State of Mind

What if

that damn cupid would shoot that "love arrow" at me?

I swear, I think I'd feel

nothing.

Not even a prick.

Not even a trickle of blood from my wounded chest.

Then I imagine

firing a gun at you.

I imagine that hot bullet

travelling its way to your chest.

I wonder what it’s like

watching you

writhe in pain.

How that every drop of blood looks like

as they slowly drain your life away.

What great fire I feel!

To leave you bleeding cold.

To grimly listen to you take your last breath.

How I wish I could

just walk away

like nothing

ever happened.

Gripo

Tangina! Wala pa ring tubig?!

Maghahating gabi na.

Dapat na akong matulog (nang makaalis naman ako nang bahay ng maaga bukas).

Pero lagkit na lagkit pa ako!

Kanina paggising ko wala na akong nadatnang tulo.

Pati ba naman ngayon na magtatapos na ang araw?!

Nararamdaman ko na naman ang naiipon kong galit sa aking lalamunan

Kung may tubig lang ang balde ng banyo, malamang mangingitim ito sa aking insulto at mura.

Kung magpapadala naman ako, maibibigay ba sa akin ang inaasan-asam kong tubig?

Kung ang inis kong ito na pinagpipigil ko

ng ilang taon ay maging tubig,

di lang ligo ang magagawa ko ngayong gabi.

Naisip kong itulog na lang saglit

pero sa tuwing naiisip kong di pa nakakatikim ng hilamos ang aking mukha, naalimpungatan ako ng aking galit at lagkit.

Kaya eto, bumangon na lang ako at naghintay kasama ng bolpen at papel.

Pero tangina! Asan na ang tubig?!

                                                                                                                -mkll 03 June 2014-