Bloody Monday!

I ended up skipping work today. Not because a lazy bone overpowered me and dragged me back to my bed, but my hormones finally took its toll on me, after a two month hibernation, on early Sunday morning[BFF's bday, of all days!! Happy Birthday, choy!!:P], which kept me bedridden 'til late morning. The worst part is, I was unexpectedly infected by this plague my sibs have been suffering for the past weeks. I read and it has never been mentioned that it is airborne or something. I never thought I would have it, since I have never had it and they always do, but here I am nursing a practically swollen left thigh since Thursday. It got worse and worse until together with my hormones, kept me bedridden. It even hurts to walk. Like every time I get up, I would suddenly feel blood rushing through my left thigh that I limp from pain whenever I try to walk a step or two...and then feel something wet on my behind thereafter. I think it would be best if I don't elaborate further, but all I can say is, they go hand in hand with my hormones for two days now. I just hope it doesn't get worse because the last thing I want to happen is to run out of blood...and that's all I can say for now!
And man! This is definitely as bad as a heartache!! The only consolation in this kind of pain is that drugs and alcohol can really ease the pain until it is gone in another day or two. Whereas the heartache, well...this is best left as it is in this entry! No more sadder thoughts from now on!!:)
As much as I want to spend this day in bed studying, I suddenly found myself bringing the laptop to my parents' bedroom surfing and ogling about this guy, who is figuratively giving me nosebleeds recently!! If those funny Japanese expression on *ehem* perversion is real, I would've probably been bloodless now...even before these bloody nevermind came to me!!

To all girls out there, I think you now know what I mean, right?xD But seriously, this guy is literally more than just a pretty face. And that is another entry to write about, stay tuned!!

There Is A Lot of Growing Up To Do, Indeed!

It's about time we climb out of the wreckage...
Wreckage. Ben Jelen

Feel the smallest changes, within ourselves within our pulse
I feel it all around me, cause its inside us and it surrounds us
And as one we'll learn to curve before we break.
Pulse. Ben Jelen




One of the biggest tragedies in life, I would have to say, is to discover that you have become someone that you hated. With that, I mean there are some instances in your life that you told yourself "I will definitely not be like that," but in the end, you would realize that it happened otherwise. I hate to admit it, but that was exactly what happened to me this week. This has been the longest week I've had, by far. I thought it is not going to end...well, it hasn't end, yet, but I have never felt more exhausted like I do now.
Most often than not, when people do not reciprocate, or worse, even acknowledge the effort you exerted, you can't help but be angry and try to find ways to retaliate. It is an impulse reaction. If you let your emotions rule over your temperament, that is always the outcome. I didn't know I have always been like that all along. As far as I know, I definitely made sure that I control my impulse and think lots of times before I do something. Apparently, I am not. When a particular circumstance, or even a person, is concerned, my emotions overpower me like a huge and heavy hollow block surprisingly handed over to me. The sad part here is, the outcome is embarrassingly irreversible. What's worse, I brought in more spectators in this chapter of my life. It became a domino effect, one negative thing led to the other. I was left with no other choice but to give up, acknowledge my weakness, and just cry. All of those negative feelings that I felt--pain, sadness, self-pity, fear and insecurity were just so overwhelming that it exhausted me. I was even too exhausted to incorporate anger and hate already. I believe I pretty much realize that even if I have become the person I don't want to be, at least I might be able to salvage something by not being angry and full of hatred in my being. The last thing that I really want to become is to be bitter...I believe I have had enough of that.
At first, I tried to fully avoid. It was hard. I believe that made me more tired of moving on. But then again I was suddenly told of positive thinking. To put passion and sincerity on what I want to happen in my life. Of course, in this case, I wanted to feel whole, complete, genuinely happy and of course, feel peace from within. Another sad discovery is, I have always thought that fulfilling the fantasy I created would be enough to complete me. To fully tell myself and everyone around me that I have lived the life I wanted to be. I was wrong. And the main reason why is that my fantasy didn't include me and what I really want to happen to ME. I never expected the gravity of the punishment I have to serve by being selfless. I ended up not really knowing who I really am...and what I really want. Or if I fully want this thing that I thought I want so much [should this make sense].
Now I am more determined than ever to make a stand, to have an intimate relationship with myself, and talk to myself more often now than before, and ask myself every now and then, to know if these things that I am thinking, wishing, and even doing right now are the things that will complete me. There is indeed no one who can complete me but me. If this someone out there is out to fill the gap/s, I think the concept here is loving and accepting me for who I am and what I have become. I was told that when you love yourself fully and genuinely, it would ooze out from your system and shall eventually spread to people who see you like an outbreak. I wanted that to happen to me. It will definitely be hard to pick up the pieces again, especially after all these years, but as what everyone says, it is definitely never too late. I was advised that I now take the blame to myself. That all of these happening is entirely my doing. There is nothing more, or less I can do about it except to apologize to the people who saw and felt it [at least, the gravity of the outcome], and finally, apologize to myself and try my very best thereafter on becoming a better person. The only difference this time is that, I will make sure that if I am going to do some mental and emotional makeover, it will definitely not be designed anymore to please the people around me, but I will make sure that I would be able to please me on this change. A total cool change, as what an old song goes.
Although, there is still part of me that wishes that I won't be doing this growing up thing alone, but in life, a person fully grows up if he/she realizes it and pursues it alone. I guess I should not defy Fate on this, this time. I still really do not know how this part of my life will end, but one thing I can really assure to myself and to the people who loves me is that I will definitely walk through this. They may be baby steps, despite my old age and all, but I will make sure that those tiny steps that I'm going to make will definitely lead me to love and my nirvana.
And I am definitely certain that that is the faint light I am now seeing in the horizon.

Heartbreaker

For JER


The simple truth is I'm falling, falling down. And I don't want to drag you to the bottom...
-Falling Down. Ben Jelen

I know about you
And how your infidelities try to raise
my noose behind my back--like a flag on a Monday morning
But let me tell you something.

No matter how high you'll try to raise it,
I'll make sure that my feer can feel your head.
And together with the tears I cried for seven years,
And the blood I shed from those shards of broken beer bottles that touched my wrist,
I will take you down
Until your face smahes the ground
And your mouth
Tastes the saltness of the earth
And the tears
And the blood I wasted.
Just to keep you standing
At my side
Which you
Never
Did.

Looking Back

Four years ago today, I found myself wandering around tall buildings and hi-tech elevators of Makati. It was our first day of training. Working away from home has never been in my plan--at least, not that soon. But there I was surrounded by future officemates trying to neutralize our accent to sound a bit like an American over the phone. What I didn't expect was these folks, whom I also hesitated to be close with [because I didn't want to stay long in the big city in the first place], ended up being one of those best colleagues I've ever had by far. Despite my disposition..and despite what I went through there, working with them was one of those memories that I will forever treasure. Those drinking mornings were absolutely unforgettable. It was with them that I experienced drinking beer for dessert at 7 a.m., and get drunk before lunch time arrives. It was with them that I experienced working without getting practically a wink of sleep because I went out some place with them, usually drinking. It was with them that I experienced smoking 1 pack a day, especially during a drinking session. And most of all, it was with them that I experienced looking forward another working day because I knew there was an exciting aftershift drinking session in store for us. Our separation was one of those painful things we had to experience, but I am grateful that that didn't stop us from still drinking together and still keeping in touch. No matter where we are now, or what career path we are pursuing, here we are still making a point to know how each of us are faring--or in this case, if we are still drinking beer after work[hehehe!]. I do hope that one of these days, before each of us get too busy with career, or family even, we would be able to meet again and drink like we just did in Top and Table and Brown Paper Bag...
There are times indeed that I thought, maybe wish on the side, that I still insisted on declining that job offer and stayed home and work here. But, as what a dear friend told me [who happens to be one of them], "...kung sinunod ko siguro payo ni erpat, walang SITEL...di ko maeexperience yun."
And I looked at him and smiled in agreement.

What if

It's 2 AM, I feel alone
Thinkin' of you keeps me awake

Thinkin' of you makes me so sad
Wondrin' how, you'll love me back

What if I try to sleep all day
I think about you everyday, yeah yeah

I picked up the phone and I called you
I just wanna say "how are you"

Thinkin' of you makes me so sad
And thinking of you makes me so damn crazy

What if I try to run to you
What if I try everything

What if I run
What if I hide
Would you care about me
Would you ask me how I feel

What if I run
What if I hide
Would you care about me
Would you ask me how I feel

Yeah
Nahh
Hah hah

What if I die
What if I cry
Would you care, yeah



Thanks to Lala ganda for mentioning this band to me.

I think I fell in love with this song way back in 2004...during my NU107 days in QC [left with no other choice then. I still couldn't afford a laptop or an mp3 player back then.*sigh*]. I would have to say, its simplicity, the brevity of the questions truly says it all. Part of me so much wants to ask the same questions, but then I asked myself, Should I be the one asking these in the first place?