bleuelundi

Watch! Falling Rocks

2011-10-06T01:29:00.000-07:00

Uy! (sabay turo sa taas) Bato!

BLAG!

Aray!

The Astonishing Feeling of Giving

2011-09-18T20:29:00.001-07:00

The big needle is penetrating my skin. I can feel my veins starting to throb, my blood cells anticipating for release.

There goes my blood coming out from the needle. Seems like they’re coming out so fast, like water from an overflowing dam…

Pain suddenly tears through my flesh. I think the needle went deep. I can feel it gulping more blood than it should take. I suddenly feel my muscles contract.

Blood still continues to flow. My muscles contract even more, clinging to the needle, like telling it to slow down.

Then it’s over.

Oh, look at my blood bag! So full it’s about to explode.

Wait. Did I fill up two?

And everything turns black.

Muni-muni

2011-09-02T04:06:00.000-07:00

Ikaw ito at ako. Sa may baybay. Abot-tanaw ang bughaw na karagatan, habang nakabaon ang ating mga paa sa mala asukal nitong buhangin.

Iniisip kung ano ang naging takbo ng buhay. Masaya siguro kung nagkukuwento ka, nagkukuwento ako, kung ang kuwento ay ikaw at ako. Pihong makakalimutan ko ang simoy ng hanging dagat, ang tunog ng payapang alon, ang init ng umaga sa baybay.

Pero eto tayo. Sa may baybay. Nakatitig sa kawalan. Di na nararamdaman ang pagsira ng alon sa sisdlan ng ating mga paa. Walang magawa kundi ilunod ang kalooban sa pagtaka kung paano tumakbo ang ating buhay.

Beach Bum

2011-09-01T04:08:00.000-07:00

"There are beaches in the sun we have yet to leave our footprints on" - Darren Hayes

This could have been you and me. Sitting by the shore, staring at the ocean, thinking how life pass us by.

It would have been bliss looking at you, and you staring at me. We both forget how clear the morning sky is, and how calm and inviting the ocean is, because we are talking about you, me, you and me.

But this is us. Sitting by the shore. Staring at the ocean. Looking up to the bright summer sky, wondering, asking the waves of the ocean how your life--and mine pass us by.

Foodless Food Trip and Meryl Streep

2010-04-03T20:24:00.000-07:00

Bad rhyming, I know. But what could be a better way to describe my holy week than this?

My sister and I wanted to try cooking [and perhaps a little bit of baking] during this long "seclusion" at home. But because of this impending vacation that we will be having this month, I cannot just splurge my money over food. So, I just resorted to buying a few munchies in case we'd have a movie marathon over the long weekend. Better safe than sorry, right?

Anyway, that's what we did. Well, it was not a marathon, technically, since we didn't watch one movie after the other. However, watching one movie each day for 3 days [series is the word that comes to mind] can also give a "marathon atmosphere/feel," right?

My parents asked me what movies they could get to watch over holy week. I looked at the DVD compilation my brother did months ago in case the parental units are in the mood for a movie or two. First movie I saw was Julie & Julia. Who could say no to a Meryl Streep movie? And since Mom liked Amy Adams in Enchanted, I reckon that this is a must watch for them. This movie was based from this blog Julie Powell created for the love of food, cooking, and,well, wanting to accomplish something at the age of 30. Thank goodness my parents weren't disappointed. Mom kept saying that Amy Adams is a hearty eater practically throughout the movie. She and Dad ceaselessly praised Meryl Streep's portrayal of Julia Child in the movie. I have to say, she is really enchanting in this movie. But what is more enchanting here is the food they are cooking and baking and eating, Julia and Julie's kitchen [even if Julie considered it shabby on her standards, I'd be happy to have a kitchen like that!], and of course, 1940 Paris!

We feel that this is a long movie. But I enjoyed every bit of it[and I believe Mom and Dad did, too]. I have come to realize that it may be an interesting thing to try my hand on the kitchen every now and then [maybe after this vacay, when I don't need to be too frugal with my paycheck]. Also, I have come to terms with myself that should I create a new blog [most likely in tumblr], I should have a main theme--perhaps like, things I did, or wanted to do to bring that passion back, or something like that...whatever that means! LOL.

The following night, Mom and Dad asked for another movie to watch. I suggested another Meryl Streep movie. To be honest, this is like a "suntok sa buwan" suggestion, not knowing whether this is a must watch or what. But then after Julie and Julia, I can sort of conclude that you could never go wrong with a Meryl Streep movie.

I am glad this movie didn't disappoint us. Meryl's facial expression is so priceless! I love her happy disposition in this movie. So darn contagious, I have to say. Alec Baldwin has an unforgettable line here. It made me laugh like hell. The unforgettable line? "What is with the ''big guy''? Is it because I'm fat,or is it a term of endearment?" If I were Meryl, i would definitely say the latter! haha!

And yes, this film again involves food! And Meryl has a more modern, spacious kitchen this time, the parents fell in love with it [don't worry, Mom, just pray that I get rich so that we can have a kitchen like Meryl in this movie!]. The food, however, is more on the sweet side since Meryl's character owns a bake shop that has all the sweet pastries that you could practically imagine! Chocolate croissant piqued my interest. I wonder what is the degree of difficulty if I try to bake it...:P

I am going to save the best for last. I have first seen this movie on last year's Eiga Sai in the city. I remembered arriving late on this movie, but I loved every moment of it, nevertheless. And thanks to the power of cyberspace, I found a subbed copy of this film. I think I've watched this flick more than 5 times already, and it always feels like I'm watching it for the first time. I have to say, this movie epitomizes a feel good movie. Not because it mainly involves food, but everything is just so laid back, from the characters down to the setting and the pacing of the movie. And let's not forget the featured food, too, especially the rice balls. Yum yum! The kitchen of the main character, Sachie, [in her diner] is my dream kitchen now. Simple, but the blue and white mixture is just so relaxing you want to cook there the whole day and night. Mom saw a few scenes of the kitchen and the pots, pans, and griller/grill pan caught her attention. She said that we should slowly buy those one by one to be able to try those recipes we long to try. Well, that is going to be a major project, I should say!

I have to say that these past 3 days was a good food trip without the food. It would have been better if we also did a food trip of our own, but I am happy that these movies made me realize why I love food and eating. Food not only satisfies my monstrous appetite, but it soothes a tired and aching soul, especially on a super, super bad day. And the best part there is, it is so good sharing it with people that matters to you most.

And with that,I shall start collecting more film that revolves around food from now on!

And I shall start cooking more, too! Bon appetit!

To Act Like Nothing's Wrong

2009-11-10T04:25:00.000-08:00

It's de-dedicated...

Fool. I don’t want to drag you into my pathetic life anymore. I’m sorry.

Dear Tabi,

Funny how nuna would look up to you at a time like this.
Your song kept playing over and over in my head today. Is it because you mentioned birthday in your lyrics? Maybe. Strange, you speak a language foreign to me, but I listen to you rap like it is also my mother tongue.
But this particular song, it speaks something more than that word that inevitably lingers in my head today. That also inevitably make me feel like my heart has been pulled back down to the ground. I wonder at first if you are a friend or an enemy. If you are someone worth admiring, or I might just end up looking at you with dismay, realizing that you are no different? Why do you want to act like nothing happened? Do you want to come back? Or do you want to forget?
I later realized you wanted both—the way I wanted things to happen to me as well. I think that is impossible—and I think you also think the same way because you took the blame, chose to forget everything, and moved on.
But look where you are now? You left no room for regrets. No room for looking back at the past, which I believe you painfully left behind. I wish I can also do the same, Tabi. I wish I can also overcome this beautifully and happily. The stars that surround you shines so bright it says everything turns out good.
How I wish that I could catch even a speck of your stardust. Maybe it would help me fully realize that everything is all good indeed.
But for now, your song will be part of my mantra. One of the songs in my life story. I will keep telling myself that it is my fault, that I am to blame for this thing that still continues to drag me down. I will keep telling myself that life has always been, and will always be good.
So Tabi, please continue to rap our miseries away. Nuna still needs it to get by.

Scattered Rainshowers and a Little bit of Thunderstorms

2009-10-17T00:47:00.000-07:00

I suddenly felt the need to return a favor, thus this entry
And I guess this is also my desperate reaction after I received a text message from one of my sidelines/part time jobs that I “SHOULD PARAPHRASE EVEN MORE.” [I intentionally wrote that in caps because that’s how I exactly received the text message this morning]. I am basically laughing it off, acting like I never really cared that much. In fact, my reply to that text was, “ok. I will try to work harder on that. Thanks for the heads up.” I intentionally inserted the word try in my message, to imply that I will do what I can, with not that much effort in my part. And if that will not even give satisfaction over my output, then it will be just fine if I end up not working further over the project entirely.
The truth of the matter is, I may act and look like I don’t care. But at the back of my head, I want to slug myself over and over and over again for slacking off. And this time, I think I have every reason to. I know I can do this job. This is what I technically studied in college, anyway. I should do well at this! I even told myself and everyone that I love the challenge of shifting from creative to technical writing. I even chose Development Communication as my master’s degree, thinking that it will give me more opportunity to do more technical writing, since it is so very much needed in my current work. Even if it is quite unrelated from my degree, writing is still writing. I should be able to pull this thing off, and pull it off well. But, as always, the drive to start writing and finish writing is like sucking the entire life energy out of me. The concentration to sit down for a long time and just plain write those papers is such an arduous task. It’s even more tormenting and laborious than washing the entire household laundry in one day. My mind is really having a hard time focusing. Not because I am bothered by something else [I guess I am over that stage—for now—thank you very much!], but because I’d rather be busy doing something totally irrelevant. Something that will not help me grow professionally. In most days, I practically waste much of my mornings and afternoons playing solitaire in my office computer [with this sorry excuse that it is my way of getting my paper works done], and nights watching Big Bang videos and downloading music, pictures, and videos [and then some] on the side. When sleeping time comes, I would often realize that I wasn’t able to accomplish something relevant. Talk about ways on turning my life around.
Whatever happened to my goal on becoming a better person? On my desire to be someone that should be reckoned with, especially by those people out there who didn’t believe in me in the first place? If I go on like this, it will definitely prove them right! And I don’t think they deserve to get that much pleasure any further. But how on earth am I ever going to calm these storms in my head? When all I can think of is finding ways and means to satiate my addiction on my current eye candies? I am too old to act like this, for crying out loud! But what can I do? They, unfortunately, brought my sanity back on track. And now, I can’t practically live a day without a glimpse of them.
If only these papers would just write on their own. Mirroring my thoughts, of course. But, as a movie title goes, reality bites.
I’d better snap out of that wishful thinking. Now.

If Natalie Digs Dirty Rap...

2009-08-29T08:44:00.000-07:00

I truly, madly, DEEPLY dig Tabi rap!

Aw, c'mon! I am not trying to equate myself with Natalie Portman, but this article made me think of this rapper, whom I reckon, is definitely one of the best that I have come across so far.

Listen to him do his thang, and you'll definitely know what I mean! Fangirls call him the guy with a beastly voice. I think he is Ja Rule trapped in a handsome man's body! His rapping voice is definitely not a boyband type--and that's actually one of the reasons why I noticed him first. He's not just some guy trying hard to sound like those hard core rappers, he is one of them hard core rappers. And he had the best training, the underground scene. Add his bad boy look and piercing, smoldering eyes, he can definitely sting you like his birth sign! Certified Scorpio indeed! Ugh!

Wah! And I so much LOOOOOVE him for that! Thanks to him, I am starting to appreciate hip hop and rap again! Makes me want to find my favorite cargo pants in college and wear it hip hop style, know what I mean?XD Unfortunately, I am too old to sport that kind of attire already, so I think I'll just stick to listening...and perhaps lip syncing with TOP while watching him in my iPod or in YouTube.

And then reminisce a little bit how embarrassingly comfortable those pants were. Too bad i don't know where it is anymore...*sigh*

birthday aftermath

2009-05-19T02:13:00.000-07:00

“It would have been much easier for me not to have been born…”
-Shawn “Clown” Crahan

This is the kind of Math/arithmetic equation I dreaded doing. Adding another year to my age. Especially if it means getting older—and still seeing that everything changes, everything stays the same.
Or, in my case, everything’s going downhill.
To distract myself on how far downhill I am heading, I tried counting tombstones on top of the hill. I intentionally detached myself from things and gadgets that would connect me to the world. Unfortunately, strong winds and sudden gush of rain forced me to stop my “tombstone count” and evacuated me from my comfortable spot, where I can also get to have my nice good nicotine count on the side. I ended up waiting for the rain to stop in a place where connecting myself to the world is so tempting, thanks to this thing I can’t leave home without. I hope that the chocolate carrot cake and passion fruit tea would keep me away from it and continue writing these “birthday thoughts.” I believe this is the only time of the year that I can get my thoughts together, so here goes.

=*=*=*=

I started my afternoon gathering my thoughts at a secluded area surrounded by gigantic statues of saints. The place was quite eerie, to be quite honest. The pews were old, almost dilapidated. They were quite dusty, but its smell kinda mixed with the smell of the earth, making me not mind on what it might do to my khaki fisherman pants. I started thinking about those people who I know would remember. And I know that they mean well in remembering. I would like to technically start by thanking all of you, from the bottom of my heart—even if I stayed out of the loop for a while, making me not receiving all of your joyful messages for another year in my life…whatever that means. Either way, I am so blessed to realize that I have countless people who loves and cares for me—and here I am preferring to act like a hermit and stay away from it all. God knows how many times I’ve tried to show how grateful I am. But it seems that my effort is still not enough. What is enough, anyway? But either way, I hope and pray that despite my queer way of reciprocating all that love, you are all in my prayers for today. And I hope that all of you would still understand my reasons for silence…especially on this time of the year…

=*=*=*=

Horoscope for the birthday celebrants [that’s me, included], as seen on today’s paper: You are often viewed as the voice of reason. Expect to learn something valuable in your year ahead.
Funny how reason dominated my thoughts since this year started. To be quite honest, this is one thing that I am so much searching for—and still hoping to find. One of my ultimate birthday wishes, if I may say that. I was counting tombstones instead of candles on my cake. It’s all because I don’t know and I can’t find the reason behind all of these. On why I should be blowing candles on a birthday cake and be happy doing that, in the first place. Everything related to tombstones was all I could think about these past several months. And because I have a reputation of cowering and taking the backseat most often than not, they just remain as thoughts and figments of my imagination, together with the love and prince charming I so very much dream of since I was a naïve 16 year old. I lost count of how many times I imagine myself seeing blood on my wrist—whether the cut should be vertical or horizontal, or how it feels to have a rope choke on my throat, my feet hanging behind our washroom, like a newly washed shirt hanging out to dry. I don’t know if it is a good thing, or what, but maybe I’ll be seeing that good reason soon—and I just hope that it’ll be sooner than I think!

=*=*=*=

Dear broken promises and washed away deals…I want to say that you are the least of my problems…like I don’t really give a damn anymore. You are far easier to forgive and forget than the pleas and promises of staying and not leaving town again. I don’t care anymore if you come to resurface like a genie in a bottle, or will remain washed away by the ocean. Suffice it to say that today’s afternoon rain says it all. The cold weather starts to bring my brows together. Huddling under a thick sweatshirt and long black trench coats are like those heavy and annoying shackles on my ankles. I will still love the summer, even it means remembering that deal we had over one sunny morning at the beach.
What I am trying to say is really, I don’t care anymore. I never really expected you to come forward and give me better options anyway…nobody did.

=*=*=*=

My more concrete way of saying thank you…something that I know must be said and done on birthdays…
As always, to my loving family and friends, thank you for all the love, despite everything I do to all of you in return. Thank you for reminding me once again that violet is my favorite color, and not black and white. Thank you for telling me that I am more colorful than that! Will forever treasure those violet things given to me today…
To sanctuaries on top of the hill. For never failing to remind me that I still have a good soul despite all that has happened to me…and after all the crap that I’ve done. I can practically consider myself to be a living dead…until you reminded me otherwise. I know you will keep my prayers and wishes safe…until it is the right time for them to be answered.
To enemies, who I know also exist in my book. I am proud to say that I only have a few on my list, but I still thank you, nevertheless, for your existence. For making me battle with your intellect, should it be called as one. And even though one is forcibly included as someone to hate, I would want to think that I’m doing this for the right reasons—all because I want to do the right thing…whatever that is.
To Matthew Gray Gubler and Criminal Minds. Strange show to watch as therapy, but that is how you really are. How humans can dehumanize the people around them makes me see how human we can be in the end. I want to approach my enemies in the same manner. The only way for me to win them over with respect and dignity, despite them not giving me that. I will definitely look forward to all of you again this next season!
=*=*=*=

And to you. As what Garcia told Reid, “I can’t be my sparkly self when you are where you are.” Every morning I wake up, I dread the thought that it is going to be another day. How I start it by practically imagining my name has finally been etched on a marble stone because of this decision that you’ve made. I over count my caffeine consumption and calorie intake in the middle of the day to inject me enough endorphin to last me the entire afternoon, and torture myself with more than 10 kilometer walk home whenever I could, to sweat all that guilt and painful thoughts away. I consume countless amount of nicotine to at least put my head together at work and school. And in most cases, the nicotine consumption would go futile. My head would always chant how much all of these is my fault. That nothing and no one can take me out of this crap I am in anymore. At the end of the day, that hopelessly hopeful wishful thinking lulls me like a hypnotic lullaby and ironically completes my entire being. A false promise that all of this is just a sick joke and everything will be fine in the end.
Your action and decision always remind me how less of a woman I am the minute I wake up, and it even torments me to oblivion every night. You may have treated and likened me to the lowest of all creatures, but there’s this tiny part of me still whispering, encouraging me to prove to you otherwise despite it all. In fact, I will prove to you otherwise. I will prove you and everybody else wrong. I may still not understand what all of these is about, but I will make sure that should I be destined not see you again the same way and watch you from above, I will make certain that you will not take my entire being from me. You are not going to make me less of a person and I will make sure of that. I will not be saying more about this, especially in this manner, but I would want to believe—I still want to believe, that all of these still happen for a good reason…even if I think that everything is out of reach for me already.
Because of you, I will struggle everyday of my life to be something you are not. I will struggle to be a better person, with a stronger heart and a kinder soul. I will struggle to feel other people’s pain, including yours, even if it pains me to give up the smile and happiness that rarely comes my way. I will struggle to choose the right thing, even if it means not breathing anymore to atone for the things that I have done wrong over the years. Something I know you never did. I am carrying your cross and your pain and I know I will carry them for the rest of my life. It is my curse, my consequence. I don’t know and I still do not understand why I have to bear all of these. This may be the lesson that Everyday is trying to teach me. What will make me fully understand, that I do not know.
And I hope someday you will.

"In youth we learn; in age we understand."
-Maria Von Evner-Eschenbach

Darnit! I Missed It!

2009-03-28T04:46:00.000-07:00

Sorry, Mother Earth! I missed commemorating your hour! To think I decided to skip treating myself to watch a movie to turn off the lights at home. I decided to watch ISD's graduation rites, thinking that by the time it is over, I would be in time to turn the lights off.

Unfortunately, your hour came and I was still in school. I was about to join everyone for dinner at the canteen. I told my mom to turn the lights off since no one would be in the office anyway. She said to leave the lights since their activity is not yet over. It's their graduation day anyway, so they had an excuse not to participate, she added. I just fell silent and not argue with her further. I thought of calling my brother to turn the lights off at home. And again, I decided not to give it a go because I have a bad feeling that his passive mind would not understand it's all in a good cause.

I feel bad for missing it, for not taking part of it. Malls vowed to participate. Our mayor ordered to turn off the street lights and the People's Park for you. Famous landmarks all over the world would be in silhouettes for an hour to lessen the consumption of energy. People all over the world abstained from walking in brightness for an hour! It is just soooo bad of me!

I want to make it up to you. I cannot turn off the light for an hour one of these days because they might think I am crazy, or missed paying the light bill, but I am thinking of saving energy in a different manner by doing a walkathon. One of these days next week, I will walk home again to save gas and fare money. It may only be a 45-minute walk, but I am sure that the gas I'll save from that walk will go a long way!

I care for you, Mother Earth! And I will do anything to keep you green and existing...

Legacy

2009-03-23T03:24:00.000-07:00

What was silent in the father, speaks in the son; and often I found in the son, the unveiled secret of the father. - Frederich Nietzsche.

This is going to be another news in the literary world.
And somehow, I itched to post this in my blog as a warning, maybe?
Or a reminder of sorts in my end.
Whichever.

Nada

2009-03-17T01:44:00.000-07:00

Oasis said,
"When you take my soul, don't take my pride."

But would it matter?
I'm as good as dead.

You killed me.

Presumptuous

2009-03-12T01:13:00.000-07:00

SLOW MOTION BIRTHDAY THANK YOU

I cannot thank all of you enough for the lovely messages,
cards,
songs,
videos,
drawings ,
thoughts,
words,
cheers,
and telepathic psychic greetings (you know who you are)
it literally took me 2 whole days to read them all
i am the luckiest man on the planet to be surrounded by so much love
yours,

matthew

Aaaaaaw! I just love the way he said thank you to all those who remembered his birthday 2 days ago! And I can't help but admire his line breaks. I could almost feel the emotion he wants to convey to those people who remembered.

And here I am...assuming that the crumbs I offered him in cyberspace was able to reach his side of the world.

Quite impossible, I should say. This was taken from his MySpace blog. I don't have a MySpace account...yet.

It is one of the things that I always avoid practically my entire life.

Ironically, it is one of the lessons that I believe I haven't learned still.

But either way, I still wish...hope that small as that crumb may be, it was still able to have its say...

A Tubular Birthday

2009-03-09T02:20:00.000-07:00

It's called "the Reid effect." Wish this could also happen to me, too!

It's the Gube's 29th birthday today!

I know it's frivolous to remember someone's birthday who doesn't even know you exist, but let's just say this is my way of "thanking" someone who has made life easier...and more humane, by loving what they do and by being good at it.

Also, we both fall in number 9 in numerology. At least, if we are going to just add the birth day. Thanks to this uber slow connection we have as I write this entry, I have no idea as to how to thoroughly research this common denominator that I see.tsk. But, for the sake of the birthday boy, I will post the meaning of his birthday number. Here goes.

Your birth on the 9th day of the month adds a tone of idealism and humanitarianism to your nature. You become one who can work easily with people because you are broadminded, tolerant and generous. You are ever sensitive to others' needs and feelings, and even if the other numbers in your core makeup don't show it, you are very sympathetic and compassionate. Your feeling run deep and you often find yourself in dramatically charged situations. This 9 energy always tends to give more that it gets.

And I also can't help but look on mine. Here's what it said:

Your birthday on the 18th day of the month suggests than you are one who can work well with a group, but still remain someone who needs to maintain individual identity. There is a humanistic or philanthropic approach to business circumstances in which you find yourself. You may have good executive abilities, as you are very much the organizer and administrator. You are broad-minded, tolerant and generous; a compassionate person that can inspire others with imaginative ideas. Some of your feelings may be expressed, but even more of them are apt to be repressed. There is a lot of drama in your personality and in the way you express yourself to others. Oddly enough, you don't expect as much in return as you give.

Hmmm....looks like we have the same numerology, after all!

May 2009 be as colorful...and as positively loud as that pink sock he's wearing...not only to the birthday boy, but to his gazillion admirers as well!

Cheers!

Apektado

2009-03-05T23:33:00.000-08:00

Mahirap tong gagawin ko...pero susubukan bago magbago ang aking isipan...

Laking gulat ko na lang nang makita ko ang "Paalam, Kiko" na nakasulat sa telebisyon sa isang tindahan nung pauwi ako ng bahay. Nung napadaan ako sa multiply site niya nung isang buwan, walang pahiwatig na siya ay nanghihina. Patuloy pa rin siya sa paggawa ng musikang Pinoy, kasama si Ely Buendia. Kahit silang dalawa ay may sakit, at siya labas pasok sa ospital. Grabe. Wala siyang pagod. Walang tawad sa pagsunod sa tawag ng sining at kultura [naaaks! ako ba ito?!]. Nang nakita ko ang balita, pinaaalala ko sa sarili ko na una kong gagawin pagdating ng bahay ay buksan ang telebisyon at ang computer para makasiguro sa balitang nakita ko. Pagdating ko ng bahay, kumpirmado. Di siya gawa ng aking guni-guni, o ng aking tulirong imahinasyon.

Bata pa lang ako, sobrang aliw na talaga ako kay Francis Magalona. Di lamang dahil sa kanyang guwapo at maamong mukha, pero naaaliw ako sa ideya na tinatawag ng mga tito at tita ko ang kapatid kong si Myko na "Kiko" dahil magkahawig daw sila. Bigla kong hinanap ang Photo Album niya. Sa kasawiang palad, di ko na mahanap ang mga solo baby pictures niya. Maliban sa litrato na ito na kasama ako at sina Mama at Leeroy, na kakalabas lamang sa mundong ibabaw:

Si Myko ang batang LALAKE na nakapula. Bahala na kayong humusga kung tama ang mga tito at tita ko o sadyang nagdidiliryo lamang sila nung mga panahon na yun...

Balik sa usapan. Nawala siya ng ilang taon sa sirkulasyon, ngunit nang nagbalik, pinakilala niya sa bansa ang musikang rap, at simula noon, siya'y nabansagang King of Pinoy Rap, Francis M, at Master Rapper. Sino ang makakalimot sa Mga Kababayan Ko?

At siyempre, nasundan pa ito ng marami pang kanta na di lamang tungkol sa pag-ibig [Cold Summer Nights...tama ba ako?], pero pati na rin tungkol sa politika at sa ating bansa. Dito ako mas lalong humanga sa kanya. Biruin niyo, anak siya ng mga beteranong artista na naging haligi ng pinilakang tabing, ipinanganak at lumaking burgis, nag-aral sa San Beda, a man from Manila, ika nga ng isa sa kanyang mga kanta, pero heto siya at buong pusong pinagsisisigawan sa mundo na ipinagmamamalaki niya ang kanyang pagiging Filipino. Nahiya naman tuloy ako. Buti pa siya. Ako, kelan kaya?

Hindi lamang siya sa musika nakikilala, pati rin pinilakang tabing, sa telebisyon, sa potograpiya, at pati na rin sa pangangalakal, sa pamamagitan ng kanyang 3 stars & a sun clothing line. Bukod sa kanyang karera at pagmamahal sa sining, sino bang di mamamangha sa kanyang buhay pamilya? Sobrang bow ako sa kanya bilang isang asawa at ama. Sa mukhang tulad niya na di ka magtataka kung magpapapiyak siya ng babae, o maging pabaya sa mga anak, yun ang isang bagay na di natin narinig sa mga balita. Naalala ko sa isang interview niya sa isang programa nung 1990s, sabi niya kinunan na niya ng college insurance ang kanyang mga anak. Sinigurado na niya ang edukasyon nilang walo. Bigla kong napagtanto, kung itong taong ito na alam natin ay hindi nakaranas ng hirap at kawalan, ay marunong din maghanda, ano pa kaya tayo na kailangan pa nating magbanat ng buto para lamang mabili ang mga pangangailangan sa araw-araw?

Nang ibinalita niya na siya ay may leukemia, hindi ito naging hadlang sa kanya bilang isang artista. Pinatunayan niya na kahit mahirap ang pagdadaanan niya, alam niyang malalampasan niya ang mga ito. Kung babasahin ng maigi ang kanyang mga isinulat sa kanyang blog, wala itong halong pag-aalala, o kalungkutan man lang. Lagi itong may tonong may maririnig pa tayo na balita galing sa kanya mismo.

At ngayong tuluyan na siyang nawala, sino kaya ang susunod sa yapak niya? Meron kayang maglalakas loob na maging bagong siya?

Isa talaga siyang malaking kawalan. Di lamang sa mundong ginagalawan niya, pero sa sining, sa kabuuan. Pero, sabi nga nila, ang mga tunay na artista, hindi nalalaos. Pag biglang nawala, alam na natin ang dahilan...

At yun nga ang kanyang naging tadhana.

PS: Hindi talaga madaling magsulat ng Tagalog!!! Hindi ko alam kung kailan mauulit ito, pero sana nga maulit pa!*peace sign*

DEVC 207 Exercise 4

2009-01-30T01:38:00.000-08:00

As the Publication Associate of the Research and Publication Office of this college, I am basically assigned to make the advertising materials for the office's events in school. And since the school's research week is fast approaching, this is the poster I drafted for informing the students, faculty and staff to take part on our event. Hope I more or less captured the basic parts in making posters.

From Johnny the Homicidal Maniac

2009-01-18T04:06:00.000-08:00

Dear Die-ary,
I stared, motionless, before the mirror. As always, I stayed until I'm convinced that there is no glass, nothing, separating me from the room I see on the other side.
I imagine that everything is different. Over there. Better. There are people, in that world, who I would like.
But, like always, my hand hits the glass.
I know that if I'd only waited one more second...
Shit.
I'm gonna go kill a party clown.

Another Day

2009-01-12T04:54:00.000-08:00

Always have to move on,
To leave it all behind
Go along with time...

The girl in a cactus costume.

She prefers to just sit in a corner, observe people around her.
She is the most ignored girl. Someone from the outside, looking in.
But despite of that, it doesn't stop her from smiling at them. From acknowledging them. From knowing them. From loving them.

She is idealistic. This is her ideal. She knows how she feels and sticks to it.
She can be pretty stubborn like that.
And even though they don't understand her, she still carries on. She continues to hold on until it hurts, like the thorns that stick out to the plant she's wearing.
The deeper the thorns sink into her skin, the more she believes to what and how she feels.

She doesn't care. Even if the thorns will bleed her dry. Or penetrates into her bones. She will remain where she is, unfaltered, unwavered.

Then suddenly, without her even knowing it, she's tired. She has bled out.

She sits back again to her corner. This time, she lets nothing and no one take her out of her place.
She is looking from afar, as always. She isn't smiling anymore. They are replaced with tears rolling down her cheeks.

She stands up once again. She looks at them as if they aren't even there.
She feels numb. She is crestfallen, exhausted. She longs to see the end.
She doesn't know where. She also doesn't know how. She doesn't even know when.
All she knows,
before all of these will come to an end, she will feel that one thing that she is holding on to all this time.

And she will definitely make sure of that.

Merry Christmas?0_o

2008-12-24T02:05:00.000-08:00

Santa can you hear me?
I have been so good this year...
-Britney Spears [this is what we call the "Christmas effect." Happens with children,too :)

There is this one thing
And I don't think I can tell exactly what it is.
But it is somewhat like the state of the Pacific Ocean
after a super typhoon.
(Not that I saw or experience one in my lifetime!)
Or how a stream looks like
After a sudden gush of water widened its mouth
after a heavy rainfall.

It's also like the tangy sweetness of a good dark Swiss chocolate.
Or the kick of mentholated nicotine after a stick or two...

Anyway, what I am trying to say is...
May everyone squeal with delight
Over the gifts they have underneath their Christmas tree.
And that is what I am hoping, too...

A very merry Christmas everyone!
And a hopefully wondrous '09 ahead of us!

Getting Tubular

2008-12-22T04:09:00.000-08:00

I came across Matthew Gray Gubler's blog in Myspace
And I can't help but be fascinated on how he writes his entries.
His line breaks remind me of poetry.
And I believe he is a very poetic person. A lover of the arts, at that.

Now, here I am giving his "blogging style" a try.
I am sure he wouldn't mind if I make gaya-gaya. hehehehehe!
Matthew Gray Gubler is such a fascinating actor!
I just can't get enough of him in Criminal Minds.
I wonder what it's like to be friends with him.
Or even more...hehehehehehehe![getting delusional. Don't wanna be profiled as the unsub next!hahaha!]

And I have to admit, he and his show are the ones that is making me get by the holidays.
Kinda makes me forget the December makes me lonely. Especially this December...
I got pissed off at my Mom earlier after she called me "bitter" during our very uncomfortable conversation on our way to the mall.
It took me off guard. I wanted to walk out.
Unfortunately, we were talking in a moving car, and we were in the middle of a heavy Christmas rush traffic.
So, I decided to be quiet the whole time...until we got home.

Maybe that is how I really am.
But I bet she doesn't understand me. I guess nobody does.
And maybe this is the reason why I prefer to stay silent and lock myself with this very mind stimulating TV series.
Who knows? I might profile me...and my unsub [whatever, or whover that is], one of these days.
It might make everyone understand better why I am going through this crap and just can't get out of it...

Visual Stimulation

2008-12-19T18:56:00.000-08:00

My cousin forwarded this mosaic of photos while we were chatting about school work. Part of our assignment is to take various photos in different perspective [I think that is what it's called. I still haven't studied this part of my subject yet, that is why I really am not sure!]. She took these photos during her week's stay in Korea last year. I envy her for the pictures she took and her opportunity to go to one of the nicest countries in the world. But, on the other hand, it challenges me in some sort of ways. I told her that I'll be posting this mosaic of hers so that:

I'll be immensely challenged to take, at least ok-shots, for our next exercise. I am not really good with photography. And since we are compelled to take photos and submit them, at that, I am left with no other choice but to explore this art.
I should attract the possibility that I'll have the opportunity to visit a wonderful country next year! Goal is that somewhere nice, rare destination, fun and unforgettable. Doesn't matter how and when I'll get to that place, wherever that is. I just have to make sure that it'll be next year.
Finally, I have to inspire myself today to finish my paper! Writing indeed is a very tedious process! Especially during the yuletide season. Damn!

To the Moon and Back

2008-12-14T03:37:00.000-08:00

...and hanging all [the] hopes on the stars...

Last Friday's full moon was the biggest this year, according to online articles. Unfortunately, I wasn't able to fully notice it because of the "ordeal" that I just had that night. I was able to see the full moon on Friday night, all right. At that time, I was at a mall parking lot, chain smoking my unexpected, nerve-wrecking encounter away. I remembered taking a glimpse at the moon over my cigarette stick and full blast rock music on my iPod. It was indeed at its roundest, but I reckon that time that perhaps it was still early night thus, the moon was still rising at the horizon.

I have always been fascinated by the moon--by celestial bodies, in particular. It is perhaps one of the reasons why I am equally fascinated with astronomy, and astrology. On this article that I read about my zodiac sign, Taurus symbolically is a half-moon forming a cup which resets on the circle of the sun.In Vedic Astrology, this glyph is a representative of the Divine Spirit with the crescent above being symbolic of the flowering or blossoming of Spirit in its process of materialization (Constellation Chamber, 2008). As I told my friend about that "ordeal" I encountered, she jokingly said that maybe that was the effect of that night's full moon on me. Basically, the entire day pretty much pre-empted it. Whatever I thought of, or talked about that time, had a connection of some sort, culminating to that last straw that shook my entire senses that night. But, as I told her, if it disturbed me, it ironically gave a peaceful, secured feeling in my insides. It pretty much gave me some positively assuring answers. Maybe, she told me, that would open doors to the denoument that I was longing for.

And maybe, I think she's right. Last night, with the moon still at its fullest, another encounter happened. This time, with money. On our way back to the office after our lunch break, she luckily found a 100 peso-bill. Hours later, on our way home, she found again a 20-peso bill on the sidewalk. She, again, jokingly told me that she only finds money whenever I am with her. It was the third time that thing happened to us. I couldn't help but wonder now if it was also a full moon the first time that happened...hehehehehehehe!

On a deeper note, if she will turn out right, maybe this is the explanation. The Law of Attraction says that whenever you articulate your heart's desires, you basically transmitted that message to the universe, and the universe will make it a point to align in such a way that it would happen. Of course, that will just happen if there are no doubts, no apprehensions in your mind. I am not really a believer of horoscopes, or at least, I try not to, since I wasn't raised that way in the first place. But I would want to believe that the moon, stars, and other celestial bodies are also God's creations. Therefore, in one way or the other, I am pretty much sure that God wouldn't mind if they hold our intentions, dreams, wishes, or whatever we may want to call it, and bring it to fruition. And if they happen the way we fully want it to be, I am sure it can definitely be called Divine Intervention. I mean, that is how it really is, right?

iPod Touch and the Law of Attraction

2008-12-02T03:30:00.000-08:00

It was raining hard by the time I decided to go home. That did not stop me from leaving the office because one more hour there and I might think of something that I might regret forever. I thought that if I spend some time at the mall the rain would either abate or stop in an hour or two.

So that's what I did. For the first time that night, I braved the raging weather. I was a bit drenched already when I entered the mall. But I didn't mind. Feeling a bit desperate, I headed straight to a place where no one...and I mean no one could see me do my thing...smoking a couple of sticks before heading straight home.

After two sticks, I went to check out an accessories store to see if they sell a huge claw for my thick hair [ I never realized that my hair would grow this thick!]. Unfortunately, what I found instead was a pair of funky red earrings. The worst part is, the store only sells it for Php 20! Whatever happened to that gigantic claw I was looking for?

And, as what everybody could have guessed, I bought the red earrings. I am not sure when I'll be able to wear it, but I know I will before this month...this year ends.

Anyway, I'd better not concentrate too much on that pair of earrings. It is not the highlight of this entry, apparently. So I decided to say goodbye to the mall [which I frequented everyday, for the love of God!] go straight home...before I suddenly buy something impulsively. So that my breath won't smell too much nicotine [because the last thing I want to hear upon reaching home is my mother telling me in her own creative way about this habit of mine being "unwomanly'] and to give me a little bit of energy to take a ride home, at least, I went to the basement to buy myself a coffee crumble ice cream...perfect treat for a rainy night. Surely no one would dare eat a cone on a weather like this but me, I gloated.

When I reached the ice cream stand, I was practically surrounded by people with ice cream cone on their hand. Great.

I still bought my coffee crumble ice cream nevertheless. I walked straight to the jeepney stop. A horde of office people, students, and whoever they are [I don't give an s, really] were also waiting for a jeepney ride home. Ironically, I didn't see any jeep, or a taxi passing by. It also seemed that the rain wouldn't be stopping anytime soon, and the street was slowly turning into a river of some sort. But despite of what I was seeing, I still made my way through the crowd, making sure that no raindrop would fall on my precious ice cream cone, as I was licking it deliciously.

Before I bought my ice cream, my iPod was already doing its thing on my ears. So, as I was seeing that horrendously hopeless sight, I seem unfazed of it all. I was concentrating on the coffee crumble ice cream, my guru Darren Hayes on my iPod, and mentally noting down plans A to C on how I'm going to get home on this crowd, flood, and weather. Plan A was to finish my ice cream, hoping that after I devoured my light snack, there would be an empty jeep to bring me home. Plan B was instead of taking that usual route I ride home, I would take the more exhausting route. This route would only be until the hospital [our house is just a 10-15 minute walk away], so, that would pretty much compel me to walk a few kilometers more. Definitely not a good idea on a rainy night. Plan C was to walk a bit farther from the mall to take a ride home. My officemate and I usually do that whenever we stay out late hanging out at the mall, either to unwind, or simply...unwind [honestly, she's just kind enough to accompany me on my nicotine fix, really]. It's much easier for me to catch a ride there than at the mall.

So, coffee crumble is all gone. I started to wait for an empty jeep to arrive. I was also starting to tell myself at the same time that no matter what happens on this night, I had to make sure that it wouldn't pull me down, or piss me off, at least. I was recalling The Secret DVD I watched during the long holiday over another Darren Hayes song. According to The Secret, the Law of Attraction happens on something that we basically want to happen to us. Something that we really wish for. In order for it to be real, we just have to believe that it can happen and boom! The universe would align to really make it happen...and no exception! Of course, if we want something to really happen, we have to make sure that what we wish for is still attainable. So there I was, together with people from practically all walks of life, wishing and looking forward to come home soon. I kept telling myself that no matter what, I would come home. At least, i was trying to attract myself that.

The mall finally called it a day. I was seeing more people coming out. The rain and the flood were still at its mightiest. No empty jeep came my way. Time to execute Plan B. But then I realized that there was no empty jeep on sight. So, there is no other way to do Plan B. Plan C was no good, as well. J.P.Laurel area looked like an extension of Davao River. I couldn't even walk further without my feet swimming through the flood. It only meant one thing. I was stranded.

I still waited. Even though I was practically seeing the water covering up the street, I was still standing there, not cursing the weatherman, or whoever must be cursed, yet, and just concentrated on another Darren Hayes song playing on my iPod. Unfortunately, all I was just seeing were more people coming out of the mall. Whenever a jeepney stops, whether to drop a passenger off or to get one, folks would just swarm over like mosquitoes on a fresh junk, hoping that by doing so would make them lucky to get in and head home. Wading has never been my strong points. It's part of my lifetime motto, I guess. I only grab an opportunity when nothing, or no one would want to grab it but me. Besides, on situations like that, wading with the crowd would just be futile. I don't want to exert extreme effort anymore for nothing.

I just ended up staring at them. It was the same boring scenario that I was seeing that hour. The only thing that woke me like a caffeine fix that night wasn't my coffee crumble, or Darren Hayes. It was a guy on helmet and a white shirt speeding through the flooded street, allowing himself to be drenched by the rain. At least there's someone out there having fun with the rain and the flood, I thought. And I couldn't help but go green with envy. Darn him for having fun while I wasn't.

I suddenly remembered the pair of slippers I bought from my boss a couple of months ago. I intentionally left it in the office so that in case I was in the mood for a walk home, I would wear it instead of my work shoes, or sneakers so that I can at least walk comfortably and with enough speed to burn calories and unwanted fats, at least. From the looks of the flood, and the rarity of transpo passing by, I suddenly thought of that option in coming home. The office is just a one to two minute walk from the mall, so I can just change footwear and relive that habit I incidentally acquired this year.

And after almost half an hour deliberation...and few more good songs in my iPod [the only thing that didn't fail me at that moment], I headed back to the office. That too wasn't an easy feat. I had to walk through on almost knee high water just to get my slippers, and save my pair of shoes to its doom.

And that's what I did, walk home. I didn't bother stopping, or checking a jeep with a vacant seat, I just walked. And smoked. I wasn't pissed, I was just having a good 'ol sound trip on my long walk home. If there is something good that's happening on that night [probably in my life this year], it's the shuffle mode in my iPod giving its full cooperation with my disposition. It didn't bother playing a lonely, sentimental, or romantically sappy songs on my playlist [hey, there are times that my sappy side needs to be satisfied, too! Thus, its inclusion in my playlist...defensive!]. Instead, it played pop, and a little bit of rock and alt to endure that unplanned walkathon.

As everybody would definitely expect, I walked all the way home, quite pissed over my ordeal, but tolerably so. I was even too tired to gobble up my dinner. I just ate a cupful of rice and then did a few more routines to prepare myself to bed. After all this litany, these are a few things that I realized. I want to call them, a moral lesson of some sort.

Law of Attraction works. Really. But in order to fully work the way you want it to be, you have to make sure that you will not allow anything else to cloud your brain. period.
There are definitely more people out there who loves to eat ice cream on a rainy season. And that is just disconcerting.
I really have to consider changing my footwear next time before heading out on a heavy rain. At least it would be easier for me to decide to walk home or something.
Finally, it indeed pays to have music as company on a bad and crappy situation like this. Even Law of Attraction says so. Trust me, it really works.

settling down

2008-11-22T04:49:00.000-08:00

Strange how we fit each other...
-Vienna Teng

I think I have found the one.

Don't get me wrong. I am not trying to say this because I hear the clock ticking on my head, or because of the wrinkles that I [maybe] seeing around my eyes, but I guess I am just at this point that I can now get to say this, period.

The past six years were definitely no joke. They weren't flooded with anger, resentment,or tears, either. It was indeed one helluva ride for me. I was basically living like a vagabond, hopping from one place to the other, trying to find that perfect spot to calm my headstorms [as what I want to call it]. I even attempted to go far [at least not that far] just to prove to everyone, myself included, that I am willing to stand up for all the decisions I make. Believe me, it was definitely no easy feat. It was pure struggle, like trying to carry a thousand pound steel or something. Until the inevitable finally came. I headed back home.

Home wasn't even an assurance enough that all of these would end. I still came back searching, once and again. It is beginning to be frustrating that I started locking myself, lie on my bed, making the sheet gray from my neverending toss and turn. I struggled to bring myself back to civilization. And I thank God I did, because the moment I pulled myself back on, that's when that thing that I was looking for arrived.

And I never felt more peaceful in my entire life. And they all seem to agree. It was beginning to show on my face. On my disposition in life. On my changed lifestyle. It brought good on me, all right. That was two years ago. Those years were no joke, as well. Two years after, I have to honestly say that my bed of roses is slowly beginning to show its thorns. People once again are beginning to challenge me, especially on how to deal with them and prove to them of my worth and my determination and eagerness. The worse part here is, I became my own enemy, having this notion that I couldn't put up with the struggle that the solution to this problem is leave once again and never come back this time. Sacrifice all I have now, to put it bluntly. This thing that brought me peace is beginning to shed its sheep clothing. It is like testing how long I will last, or how far I will go. Or if I am going to allow myself to be devoured by these pack of wolves that are trying to pull me down. What they don't know is, with age comes maturity. Age becomes more tolerable to acceptance, too. Love the roses and the thorns. It is like appreciating a threadlike ray of light in a dark alley, that the more I see and be at the dark, or a vacuum, I never stopped walking and carrying on, even if it means stumbling and falling a million times. And no matter what happens, I could still give a smile and a peace sign, with me meaning it, at that.

At least, this is how I am seeing practically all things now. Or the people that I see and/or deal with. Two years is still early to tell, or even put a dark and obvious period on my statement. the miraculous part here is, I am not complaining of its longevity, at least, in my part. In fact, I welcome and cherish this, because for better or for worse, I am now more determined than ever to stick through this...no matter what.

Love Serves, Indeed!0_o

2008-08-21T22:24:00.000-07:00

I decided to go to work today despite being a local holiday and late night mall hours in the city. It wasn't entirely out of obligation, really, but I reckon that locking myself in the RPO office would somehow maximize my day off instead of sleeping it away in my uber comfortable bedroom, thinking and wishing over things that may or may not happen in the future. So, if I have to choose between physical and mental torture, I would definitely opt for the former now than the latter.

In order for me not to look like a reformed delinquent of some sort [hey, I was quite known as not being an OT fan! But here I am doing such for 2 straight weeks now!], I intentionally woke up late and wore a sleeveless shirt for work, just so at least I could tell myself that I somehow enjoyed this holiday. Apart from that, I dropped by the grocery to buy some chocolates and junkies, in preparation for my voluntary reclusion in our lovely office.

And that's what I exactly did. At the moment, I am now 7 hours in isolation [and counting] from the festivities and all the fun that's happening and may happen in my beloved city. Except for some few trips outside to take a stroll for a nicotine fix [or for simply a breather], those past 7 hours were spent inside the office, working for our upcoming 5 publications, which we are hoping to launch simultaneously come mid next month[woohoo!! goodluck!!]. Am I superwoman in the making here? Maybe. And maybe not. Perhaps it's gonna be the other way around, especially after all of these are done!! But I am not complaining. In fact, I am thrilled to have all these responsibilities at work! Makes me feel needed, if you know what I mean...

Why, you may ask, I am allowing myself to transform into this workaholic bitch that I never was, instead of being just an ordinary employee, like everyone else in the city [maybe], strolling around downtown area, checking on street dances and perhaps even parties and events when nighttime comes? I know I can do that after, but I bet after I have done my scheduled task for today, I would definitely be too exhausted even for a bottle of beer. Believe me, I asked myself a million times last night whether to push through this plan or not. But this whatever, that I feel wrapped around my chest [like a bad cholesterol on clogged arteries], made me do this. Made me marry to my paperworks and what have you.

And yes, you may call it love. But that is also the reason why I am escaping from all the fun and the party. There is just simply no other way...

Dahil Di Makapagsimula sa Takdang-Aralin...UP Centennial Meme Muna...

2008-08-02T05:29:00.000-07:00

1. STUDENT NUMBER?
98-****1

2. COLLEGE?
College of Humanities and Social Sciences [CHSS]

3. ANO ANG COURSE MO?
B.A. English-Creative Writing

4. NAG-SHIFT KA BA O NA-KICKOUT?
none of the above

5. SAAN KA KUMUHA NG UPCAT?
UP Mindanao-Ladislawa Campus

6. FAVORITE GE SUBJECT?
NASC1, HUM1, SOSC1[tama ba, may GE ba na ganun?windang!!]

7. FAVORITE PE?
Filipino Games...hahahaha!!

8. SAAN KA NAG-AABANG NG HOT GUYS SA UP?
nampucha, wala yan sa UPMin sa panahon namin!!tsk

9. FAVORITE PROF(S)
mga prof ko sa mga major subjects ko...the best sila, maaan!! well, actually, gusto ko naman lahat ng naging prof ko sa college, except for two...but na lang at GE yung isa, at lit naman ang isa...

10. PINAKA-AYAW NA GE SUBJECT
HIST 2. AYOKO SA PROF. BUSET!!

11. KUMUHA KA BA NG WED OR SAT CLASSES?
wala me class fri and sat, so wed lang...:)

12. NAKAPAG-FIELD TRIP KA BA?
op kors!! di mawawala sa UP yan!!:D

13. NAGING CS KA NA BA OR US SA UP?
Honor Roll...does that count?:P

14. ANO ANG ORG/FRAT/SORO MO?
Lantaw, Kirim, Societe de Bibliophiles

15. SAAN KA TUMATAMBAY PALAGI?
sa merry go round, sa CHSS building, at sa EB [Hel]L

16. DORM, BOARDING HOUSE, O BAHAY?
dorm at studio apartment lang

17. KUNG WALANG UPCAT AT MALAYA KANG NAKAPILI NG KURSO MO SA UP, ANO YUN?
either nag Social Science ako o Biology...pero I think ok na tong napili kong course, i cannot imagine myself to be on these course i chose na rin kasi...

18. SINO ANG PINAKA-UNA MONG NAIKILALA SA UP?
mga blockmates at HS schoolmates, malamang!!:D

19. FIRST PLAY NA NAPANOOD MO SA UP?
it was Jen's play...forgot the title [sowee, ganda!]

20. NAME THE 5 MOST CONYO ORGS IN UP.
meron bang ganun? lalo na sa UPMin? hmmmm.....

21. NAME 5 OF THE COOLEST ORGS/FRATS/SORO IN UP.
Lantaw at yung nagpakasaling pusa ako...hehehehehehe!!

22. MAY FRAT/SORO BANG NAG-RECRUIT SA 'YO?
Meron. Sigma Beta. Di man ako sumali, pero taas ng respeto ko sa soro na ito...anjan mga "bituka friends" ko eh!!:P[translation: bosom buddies:p]

23. SAAN KA MADALAS MAG-LUNCH?
sa EB[hel]L. yun lang kasi pinakamalapit sa CHSS building eh.

24. MASAYA BA SA UP?
bittersweet. lalo na ang huling taon. yan lang masasabi ko...

25. NAKASAMA KA NA BA SA RALLY?
di nga eh...sayang...

26. ILANG BESES KA BUMOTO SA STUDENT COUNCIL?
4 ata...

27. NAME AT LEAST 5 LEFTIST GROUPS IN UP.
ANAKBAYAN lang ata nung kapanahunan namin...

28. PINANGARAP MO RIN BANG MAG-LAUDE NUNG FRESHMAN KA?
mejo nangarap ko saglit...pero dahil sa kelangan ng sobrang effort para mangyari yun, sinapak ko na sarili ko nang magising gising naman ako...hehehehehe!

29. KANINO KA PINAKA-PATAY NA PATAY SA UP?
hay!! wala!! i think it was the other way around!hahahahaha!

pero, kung kelangan ko sagutin ang tanong na ito...yung akala ko kamukha ni Daniel Jones...prof ko sa isa kong GE subject...kilig!!hihihihi!

30. KUNG DI KA SA UP, ANONG SCHOOL KA?
either sa Ateneo de Davao[na malapit akong maging student], or San Pedro College[kung saan ako nagwowork ngaun]...

This Student Needs Your Help

2008-07-31T18:42:00.000-07:00

It is a common knowledge [especially by friends at mga kaututang dila!hehehe!] that I am in a working student mode. Part of my assignment for this sem is to conduct a survey on the effects of media on people and write a short write up about it based on the result of this little survey that I will be conducting.

So this student *index finger pointing at me* needs your help by answering the survey [check attached file]. You may send your "answered" questionnaire electronically. Check my profile for the email addy...or PM ko na lang ang email add ko para mas masaya...hehehehehe!!

So there!! I will appreciate it if I can receive the questionnaire on or before 06 August so that I still have a few days more to cram on my paper...charuz!!

Thanks in advance and aja! to me, I guess...

Bloody Monday!

2008-07-27T21:07:00.000-07:00

I ended up skipping work today. Not because a lazy bone overpowered me and dragged me back to my bed, but my hormones finally took its toll on me, after a two month hibernation, on early Sunday morning[BFF's bday, of all days!! Happy Birthday, choy!!:P], which kept me bedridden 'til late morning. The worst part is, I was unexpectedly infected by this plague my sibs have been suffering for the past weeks. I read and it has never been mentioned that it is airborne or something. I never thought I would have it, since I have never had it and they always do, but here I am nursing a practically swollen left thigh since Thursday. It got worse and worse until together with my hormones, kept me bedridden. It even hurts to walk. Like every time I get up, I would suddenly feel blood rushing through my left thigh that I limp from pain whenever I try to walk a step or two...and then feel something wet on my behind thereafter. I think it would be best if I don't elaborate further, but all I can say is, they go hand in hand with my hormones for two days now. I just hope it doesn't get worse because the last thing I want to happen is to run out of blood...and that's all I can say for now!
And man! This is definitely as bad as a heartache!! The only consolation in this kind of pain is that drugs and alcohol can really ease the pain until it is gone in another day or two. Whereas the heartache, well...this is best left as it is in this entry! No more sadder thoughts from now on!!:)
As much as I want to spend this day in bed studying, I suddenly found myself bringing the laptop to my parents' bedroom surfing and ogling about this guy, who is figuratively giving me nosebleeds recently!! If those funny Japanese expression on *ehem* perversion is real, I would've probably been bloodless now...even before these bloody nevermind came to me!!

To all girls out there, I think you now know what I mean, right?xD But seriously, this guy is literally more than just a pretty face. And that is another entry to write about, stay tuned!!

There Is A Lot of Growing Up To Do, Indeed!

2008-07-19T07:26:00.000-07:00

It's about time we climb out of the wreckage...
Wreckage. Ben Jelen

Feel the smallest changes, within ourselves within our pulse
I feel it all around me, cause its inside us and it surrounds us
And as one we'll learn to curve before we break.
Pulse. Ben Jelen

One of the biggest tragedies in life, I would have to say, is to discover that you have become someone that you hated. With that, I mean there are some instances in your life that you told yourself "I will definitely not be like that," but in the end, you would realize that it happened otherwise. I hate to admit it, but that was exactly what happened to me this week. This has been the longest week I've had, by far. I thought it is not going to end...well, it hasn't end, yet, but I have never felt more exhausted like I do now.
Most often than not, when people do not reciprocate, or worse, even acknowledge the effort you exerted, you can't help but be angry and try to find ways to retaliate. It is an impulse reaction. If you let your emotions rule over your temperament, that is always the outcome. I didn't know I have always been like that all along. As far as I know, I definitely made sure that I control my impulse and think lots of times before I do something. Apparently, I am not. When a particular circumstance, or even a person, is concerned, my emotions overpower me like a huge and heavy hollow block surprisingly handed over to me. The sad part here is, the outcome is embarrassingly irreversible. What's worse, I brought in more spectators in this chapter of my life. It became a domino effect, one negative thing led to the other. I was left with no other choice but to give up, acknowledge my weakness, and just cry. All of those negative feelings that I felt--pain, sadness, self-pity, fear and insecurity were just so overwhelming that it exhausted me. I was even too exhausted to incorporate anger and hate already. I believe I pretty much realize that even if I have become the person I don't want to be, at least I might be able to salvage something by not being angry and full of hatred in my being. The last thing that I really want to become is to be bitter...I believe I have had enough of that.
At first, I tried to fully avoid. It was hard. I believe that made me more tired of moving on. But then again I was suddenly told of positive thinking. To put passion and sincerity on what I want to happen in my life. Of course, in this case, I wanted to feel whole, complete, genuinely happy and of course, feel peace from within. Another sad discovery is, I have always thought that fulfilling the fantasy I created would be enough to complete me. To fully tell myself and everyone around me that I have lived the life I wanted to be. I was wrong. And the main reason why is that my fantasy didn't include me and what I really want to happen to ME. I never expected the gravity of the punishment I have to serve by being selfless. I ended up not really knowing who I really am...and what I really want. Or if I fully want this thing that I thought I want so much [should this make sense].
Now I am more determined than ever to make a stand, to have an intimate relationship with myself, and talk to myself more often now than before, and ask myself every now and then, to know if these things that I am thinking, wishing, and even doing right now are the things that will complete me. There is indeed no one who can complete me but me. If this someone out there is out to fill the gap/s, I think the concept here is loving and accepting me for who I am and what I have become. I was told that when you love yourself fully and genuinely, it would ooze out from your system and shall eventually spread to people who see you like an outbreak. I wanted that to happen to me. It will definitely be hard to pick up the pieces again, especially after all these years, but as what everyone says, it is definitely never too late. I was advised that I now take the blame to myself. That all of these happening is entirely my doing. There is nothing more, or less I can do about it except to apologize to the people who saw and felt it [at least, the gravity of the outcome], and finally, apologize to myself and try my very best thereafter on becoming a better person. The only difference this time is that, I will make sure that if I am going to do some mental and emotional makeover, it will definitely not be designed anymore to please the people around me, but I will make sure that I would be able to please me on this change. A total cool change, as what an old song goes.
Although, there is still part of me that wishes that I won't be doing this growing up thing alone, but in life, a person fully grows up if he/she realizes it and pursues it alone. I guess I should not defy Fate on this, this time. I still really do not know how this part of my life will end, but one thing I can really assure to myself and to the people who loves me is that I will definitely walk through this. They may be baby steps, despite my old age and all, but I will make sure that those tiny steps that I'm going to make will definitely lead me to love and my nirvana.
And I am definitely certain that that is the faint light I am now seeing in the horizon.

Heartbreaker

2008-07-14T13:44:00.000-07:00

For JER

The simple truth is I'm falling, falling down. And I don't want to drag you to the bottom...
-Falling Down. Ben Jelen

I know about you
And how your infidelities try to raise
my noose behind my back--like a flag on a Monday morning
But let me tell you something.

No matter how high you'll try to raise it,
I'll make sure that my feer can feel your head.
And together with the tears I cried for seven years,
And the blood I shed from those shards of broken beer bottles that touched my wrist,
I will take you down
Until your face smahes the ground
And your mouth
Tastes the saltness of the earth
And the tears
And the blood I wasted.
Just to keep you standing
At my side
Which you
Never
Did.

Looking Back

2008-07-12T05:25:00.000-07:00

Four years ago today, I found myself wandering around tall buildings and hi-tech elevators of Makati. It was our first day of training. Working away from home has never been in my plan--at least, not that soon. But there I was surrounded by future officemates trying to neutralize our accent to sound a bit like an American over the phone. What I didn't expect was these folks, whom I also hesitated to be close with [because I didn't want to stay long in the big city in the first place], ended up being one of those best colleagues I've ever had by far. Despite my disposition..and despite what I went through there, working with them was one of those memories that I will forever treasure. Those drinking mornings were absolutely unforgettable. It was with them that I experienced drinking beer for dessert at 7 a.m., and get drunk before lunch time arrives. It was with them that I experienced working without getting practically a wink of sleep because I went out some place with them, usually drinking. It was with them that I experienced smoking 1 pack a day, especially during a drinking session. And most of all, it was with them that I experienced looking forward another working day because I knew there was an exciting aftershift drinking session in store for us. Our separation was one of those painful things we had to experience, but I am grateful that that didn't stop us from still drinking together and still keeping in touch. No matter where we are now, or what career path we are pursuing, here we are still making a point to know how each of us are faring--or in this case, if we are still drinking beer after work[hehehe!]. I do hope that one of these days, before each of us get too busy with career, or family even, we would be able to meet again and drink like we just did in Top and Table and Brown Paper Bag...
There are times indeed that I thought, maybe wish on the side, that I still insisted on declining that job offer and stayed home and work here. But, as what a dear friend told me [who happens to be one of them], "...kung sinunod ko siguro payo ni erpat, walang SITEL...di ko maeexperience yun."
And I looked at him and smiled in agreement.

What if

2008-07-04T05:01:00.000-07:00

It's 2 AM, I feel alone
Thinkin' of you keeps me awake

Thinkin' of you makes me so sad
Wondrin' how, you'll love me back

What if I try to sleep all day
I think about you everyday, yeah yeah

I picked up the phone and I called you
I just wanna say "how are you"

Thinkin' of you makes me so sad
And thinking of you makes me so damn crazy

What if I try to run to you
What if I try everything

What if I run
What if I hide
Would you care about me
Would you ask me how I feel

What if I run
What if I hide
Would you care about me
Would you ask me how I feel

Yeah
Nahh
Hah hah

What if I die
What if I cry
Would you care, yeah

What If - menaya

Thanks to Lala ganda for mentioning this band to me.

I think I fell in love with this song way back in 2004...during my NU107 days in QC [left with no other choice then. I still couldn't afford a laptop or an mp3 player back then.*sigh*]. I would have to say, its simplicity, the brevity of the questions truly says it all. Part of me so much wants to ask the same questions, but then I asked myself, Should I be the one asking these in the first place?

I'm IT!!

2008-06-20T16:22:00.000-07:00

I was tagged by sandra alena.

Once you have been tagged, you have to write a blog entry with 10 weird, random things, facts, habits or goals about yourself. At the end, choose 10 people to be tagged, listing their names and why you chose them. Don't forget to leave them a comment ("You're It") and ask them to read your blog. You can't tag the person who tagged you. Since you can't tag me back, let me know when you've posted your blog so I can see your answers!

Here we go!!

1. I was born on a Monday at 3:20 a.m. Thanks to my mom for putting this on my baby album. The "downside" of being the firstborn child.hehehehehehe!!
2. I was so fascinated with the Egyptian history when I was 8 years old that there was a point when I thought I was the reincarnation of Cleopatra. Now that I look back, I couldn't help but think of slugging myself for giving such disservice to Cleopatra[me as Cleopatra? I am definitely not worthy!].
3. I am a closet pyromaniac. I have always been fascinated with fire. I love it when I see a paper, a pile of dead leaves, a match or cigarette stick...or a bunch of fleas soaked in a kerosene burning. I most especially love it when I am burning a scented candle and a matchstick both at the same time in the bathroom. :)
4. I am a bibliophile. I buy books...and won't read them for the longest time...or sometimes, not read them, at all.
5. I have a penchant...and fear for chains...in whatever forms that may be. Whether in a form of a smoke[especially coming from the mouth], or a person in shiny red trunks whipping me with his emotional whiplash [tama naaaaaaa!!!!waaah!!].
6. I was once told by a good friend that I am a sadomasochist in the making. I am beginning to agree with her, but more on the latter than the former, I think...
7. I am fascinated...and tormented by dead ringers and doppelgangers. Only god knows where all these connections and what-nots would lead to...
8. I would have to say that I wrote my muse to life[whatever that means]. Which led me to my emotional pitfall.. With this happening, I am now beggining to think that I had acquired a talent of writing myself to doom. Now that's what we call a poetic tragedy.
9. I am emo-driven, audibly stoned and definitely aurally committed! I let music take control of me and just spin with it!! That's just the way it is!!\m/

I am now tagging the following people to answer this:

Puryang, Janine, Gladys, Greta, Lalalalalalala, John Bengan, Richmond, Pyk, Lyn, Stip.

a lightbulb kinda moment

2008-06-13T18:53:00.000-07:00

Nothing indeed beats life's simple pleasures. I now feel wholeheartedly blessed with what I have at the moment. I am thankful for my Mom and Dad, who I should say are the coolest parents on earth. For my incorrigibly adorable brothers and sister. For my cousin who forever emphatizes with me. For friends who always made sure that they are there for me especially when I need them the most. For mischievous pitbulls. For kind, generous, wise, humble, intelligent colleagues. For challenging, yet fulfilling paperworks. For involuntary services. For Distance Learning Education. For sudden backpack trips and drinking buddies. For pop and rock music. For cigarettes and alcohol. For the tormentingly, traumatically beautiful past. For the highs and lows. For shrines on the top of the hill. For the inevitably shrinking social network [I am getting scared of my own space now, man!]. For love and pain. For humanities and the arts. For passion and dream. For life. As what I recently told someone, despite us seeing life as gray and bleak, it will still remain beautiful anyway because that's what it really is. I am not trying to say here that I am finally happy and will say goodbye to depression and sorrow, but I know I am getting there. By seeing what I have in a different light, I know that the light, the sunrise that I have long been waiting for is about to appear in the horizon soon. All I just have to do is wait with baited breath for it. There is just simply no other way.

Let go and let God. This, by far, is the most difficult lesson I learned. With head bowed down, tears rolling down freely on my cheeks, I humbly offered the heavy rocks on my pockets to God, allowing Him this time to carry them and move my plot forward. I don't know how to continue my life story anymore. I wanted to live--and end it with a powerful bang. Or at least end it meaningfully. But I am now at the point already that I exhausted my outline for it, thus ending up suffering from the so-called "writer's block." There were moments that I wanted these rocks to bring me down and not let me resurface. But I realized that these rocks, though heavy, would be useful in the interim. I can get to use them as a weapon against my demons. I can also use them to break this heavy chain wrapped around me. I can use them in proving to everyone, especially those who didn't believe in me, that these heavy rocks made me a better person. They made me stand firmly on my values, beliefs and principles. They molded me to be strong, heavy and firm, too, like them. Therefore, I am indeed a person to be reckoned with. It wasn't difficult to swallow my pride and accept my human frailty, but here I am acknowledging my limits and unburdening myself of this heavy chip on my shoulder. It's high time to seek for back-up. A strong and reliable one, at that. I have never been a spiritual person. I am not even proud of that either, but I wanted to treat my spirituality, or relationship with God in a more intimate manner. If I am going to go back or finally commit to a church, I wanted to make sure that that's what I wanted. That I am fully ready for it. Maybe what I am going through now is God's way of giving me a dose of my own medicine. Allow me to say that I am humbly and willingly drinking it, no matter how unpalatable it is in my tongue. But I am now taking one step at a time on this. One step at a time.

There is indeed time for everything. I pretty much considered myself to be a late bloomer. After seeing a couple of high school batchmates recently, they pointed out that I was the last one to come out of my thick shell and enjoyed my youth. I guess the same thing goes for me now. I am well aware of the fact that first, I am suffering from this burden for a long time already. That it's indeed way long over. I should be living a new life now. But unfortunately, that wasn't the case. I was also at fault why I prolonged my agony in the first place. But there are just wounds that take long to heal. This is one of them. Setting up deadline has never been a good idea because no matter how we plotted our goals and plans in life, somewhere along the way, something and/or someone will suddenly block your path and lead you to another direction. That's life. In other words, if I aimed/wanted to settle down with the one I love and have children by the time I turn 27 [my age now], it will definitely NOT happen if it's still not the right time. I know I have to feel the pressure. And yes, I have this fear that I will not be able to attain this goal. But everytime I think of those moments--great moments in life, some of them may have arrived late, but they came anyway...and I've never felt happier and contented. Enjoying life's simple pleasures indeed! At its right time, of course!

I wanted to make a difference. With this new disposition and new responsibility assigned to me, I am suddenly flooded on what I wanted to do. On how to make life worth living and living it to the fullest, at that. I realized how much I treasured the memories of my youth. I have to admit it wasn't grand, but my adolescent years were responsible in bringing me to the things I love the most at the moment: love, angel, music, baby [allow me to quote Gwen Stefani's clothing line here...hehehehe]. I noticed that I inevitably connect with people younger than me, most especially to teenagers. I worried at first because maybe I haven't matured much at all because I love being with them. But on the other hand, I thought, maybe it's the other way around. My heart aches for those teenage underdogs. For emo-driven kids, for misunderstood young people. One reason why I love rock music is that these rock stars speak for these "losers," assuring them that there is nothing wrong with them. That there is nothing wrong if we crash and burn. That things will be better in the end. Just listen to music and things will be better. I wanted to have that similar ministry. However, time didn't hone me to become a musician. Time brought me to writing and literature. I am not sure how I'd be able to do my ministry with my line of work, but so far, being around with these bagets, helping them to at least do well with a part of their studies pretty much heeded my desire to make a difference. Maybe if I will be given a chance to teach literature to them, I would welcome that idea. Life can't be all logic and numbers, we also have to appreciate its beauty by studying art and literature to balance things out.

As far as adversities and unseen enemies are concerned, I wanted to deal with them in a different manner. I don't want to use the common ways of dealing with them because I observed, as well as experienced it myself, that it always turn out bad. That it backfires and makes you miserable in the end. Counting 1 to 100 is a very tedious thing to do. But I believe that by doing so, I was able to think of other ways of venting out my anger. The outcome, or the end product is also another long wait, but what the heck? The bottomline is, calculated moves rarely go wrong. Apart from that, more people will admire you for your courage and creativity in dealing with "ugly" stuff. If I am going to be the anti-hero in the story, I don't want to be the type that people hate, instead, I wanted them to witness that there are other ways of getting back without me looking like a heartless bitch. Well, I think I am never one, in the first place.

And that's what we call karma.

Freedom. Allow me to rephrase a quote from Anne Morrow Lindbergh. You that I love, I wish to be free--even from me. As much as I wanted to beg you to stay, I know that I will just make your life miserable. And you are going to inevitably put the blame on me in the process. I fully enjoyed this privilege from Mom and Dad and I realize that gripping someone from the arm too tight is never a good idea. I know that they also hurt seeing me do things that they know are bad for me, but they just let me be because they want me to become a better person. They want to see me happy. I am also doing the same for you, too, because I want you to be a better person and I want you to be happy. However, the only difference is, if my Mom and Dad always welcome me with open arms everytime I come home, you will not see me doing the same thing for you anymore. Everything that we want always come with a price. And it definitely doesn't come cheap. I don't want to give you the pleasure anymore of getting the best of both worlds. I also longed to be happy. And since you are not here at my side to help me seek my nirvana, consider this as my last act of selflessness. I hope and pray that this decision you made wasn't made out of impulse or didn't originate from the groins or from the mouth.

And with that, I raise my white flag and close my doors and windows tightly shut.

When Words No Longer Cut Me Like A Knife

2008-06-06T20:08:00.000-07:00

…something for the faithless in me.
-Words. Darren Hayes

Don’t get me wrong. I am still not unafraid to tread on the dreadfully beautiful path writers set foot on. I still haven’t gotten over the fear of putting—or ending my life in tragedy if I pursue this craft that has been bothering me for over a decade, which happens to be my bread and butter at the moment. It’s been barely two months since I publicly exposed online my worst fears and at the same time, announced my intention to go on an indefinite leave from this thing I eventually love doing. Despite not being able to convince myself fully on my capability/ies to immortalize a certain idea, musings, ramblings or whatever, here I am still being filled up with the desire to put these word plays, ideas, fragmented sentences and paragraphs, and even inspiration on paper that if only I have ample time to sit and stare at the computer monitor, I would be able to release them like a constipated fool finally running his/her way to the john for that much-awaited outburst. To be quite honest, most of them are still about this blue funk I have been harboring since like, forever. Apparently, I am talking about my long time muse here. For the longest time, I have to say that I am quite thankful for this person for introducing me to this excruciating emotion [better known as pain], thinking that it would, in the interim, make me a better and stronger person and perhaps, even a better writer. I reckoned that by filling up my journals stories or what-nots of imageries, adjectives, verbs and adverbs of loneliness and aloneness [solely inspired by my muse, thank you very much], it would someway or somehow change my fate and thus lead me to my happy ending. Or better yet, it would lead me back to the person behind all of these either for a happy ending—or for that much deserved sweet revenge, and my tender triumph. The cyberspace is my main stage, as it is the easiest and the most convenient, and the most accessible avenue for me to publish whatever I have written. Of course, since I am just an ordinary, amateur blogger, I only have good friends, and some friends of friends as readers/spectators. Because I have a particular audience in mind whenever I try to write something, there is this thing deep inside me that I could someway, somehow directly transmit the message. Yes, it may sound pathetic, but that particular thought is the one strongly pushing me to keep on writing. What it has done to me, however, is that my writings transform into a virtual boomerang that no matter how far I throw it, it still goes back and hits me hard—real hard, leaving me black and blue all over. It slices, in fact, my skin and leaves me bleeding even. That no matter how hard and how direct the words are, all I get in return is nothing, not even a single word of retaliation, acceptance, acknowledgement or apology [which won’t be accepted, anyway]. I think that is one of the reasons that made me feel tired. The reason why I wanted to let it go for a while. I feel that my efforts are futile, that I expended my entire energy over nothing, like a mad scientist creating a gigantic contraption which ended up being a worthless piece of junk. And just like what happened to Frankenstein’s creator, the words I conjured up is slowly paving the way for my self-destruction and self-flagellation [imagine whips with a thousand fine, sharp edges]. They are beginning to feel like a hundred rocks in my pockets that if I add more, I would eventually drown and not resurface alive.
=*=*=*=*=*=
I suddenly made an impulsive decision to leave town for a while before I eventually sink deeper into this dark, vacuous abyss, or voluntary push myself to a cliff and disappear forever. I went somewhere far, somewhere that I can at least feel the distance from everybody, somewhere that I can hold accountable to nobody but myself. Somewhere that I can be in contact with my soul and perhaps even ask God on the side about these things that I am going through and have to go through to reach heaven on earth—or, to put it bluntly, finally say to everyone, most especially to myself, that I am finally happy. Unfortunately, my short vacation didn’t turn out that way. I wasn’t able to say hi to God or even to my soul. I reckon God deliberately disrupted my plans, or I should say He thought that it’s not the right time yet for me and my soul to have an intimate chat, as it might eventually drive me to madness. Instead, He paved the way for me to spend my short break by healing my f’d up being. And the best part here is, He made sure I didn’t do it alone.
=*=*=*=*=*=
There is this one person I met during one of my low moments who virtually pushes me up whenever I feel down and lonely. I didn’t know how it exactly began. All I remember is that he came near me, mimicked a funny Indian accent he heard somewhere, and I laughed like hell. I think that pretty much created the “spark.” Then we started drinking out which led to constantly exchanging text messages after that, until there was this one night, in the midst of our virtual bantering that I requested him [tearfully] to say something funny after I was interrupted by a heartbreaking message from my long time tormentor—I mean, muse. In response, he told me about imagining himself being a gigolo in shiny hot pink trunks dancing to the tune of Macarena. It made me forget what brought tears in my eyes in the first place.

The rest, they say, is history. I say, it’s another long story to tell. Anyway, he eventually made sure that we still keep in touch despite distance, changes and circumstances. I am forever grateful over his effort not to lose contact with me. Despite what we’ve been through, I consider this person a treasured friend, a respected confidante, and most of all, an ultimate drinking buddy. A total sanity saver. He actually carries an intellectually cynical disposition over life and love. But despite his bleak outlook in life, his childish smile and his bubbly disposition never wear off, and he constantly gives out a contagious laughter over wacky and silly conversations. He’s one of those people I know who’s incorrigibly addicted to alcohol. I wouldn’t wonder if most friends and acquaintances would assume SMB as his middle initials. Ironically, I find it as one of his endearing traits. Because he always wears this dazzling smile even on his most drunken state, I no longer care if drinking is bad for my liver, or my stomach—especially if drinking also means having his bubbly company around.
=*=*=*=*=*=
Anyway, back to my short vacation. I impulsively mentioned to this guy of my plans of soul searching in a faraway place. He enthusiastically suggested the place where he was taking a vacation that time. I thought it was a good idea. I see buses going to their province often, so I reckon I can handle going there alone. When he started telling me about this place that serves the best burger, I was hypnotized after he connected it with our favorite drink—beer. To cut the story short, I overhauled my itinerary and went by to his suggestion. I figured that having a drinking spree with a drinking buddy is tantamount to finding one’s soul in a faraway province.

And it indeed was. Two nights of intoxication with my drinking buddy flushed away my close-to-lifelessness disposition. His unchanging wit and sense of humor made me forget to find my soul back, being the main purpose of my short, unplanned vacation. The alcohol, instead of putting me to deeper depression, made me take off the rocks I keep in my pockets, making me see that it is more fun to swim in a turbulent ocean without them. That it is fun to be rocked by the ocean waves every now and then, especially if I have people [like him] who care about me around to swim with me. I am glad that my drinking buddy helped me have that kind of insight. He said that no matter what happens to us, whether we’re left alone or defenseless, we are left with no other choice but to continue living anyway. Life is indeed beautiful (especially with alcohol in it, he added). It is just up to us on how we are going to live it to the fullest.

His company, as well as his disposition, made me more restless—in a positive way, of course. I was longing to sit down, either open a new document on Microsoft Word, or just grab a pen and paper, and pour out all the happy memories we made over burgers, beaches and beer. Few days after my trip, I found myself writing again. When I tried to reread it, I couldn’t help but be surprised over what I wrote. I felt overwhelmed to discover that I was able to write something that does not evolve around lost souls or misguided feelings—or to be more exact, I was able to write something without the help—rather, the “inspiration” of my long time muse. I used to think then that this person is the sole reason why I continue to write. I was afraid that if I would finally let go, I would also do the same thing with my literary passion. Or, if I would continue writing, I would enchain myself to writing sad, gloomy, depressing pieces, which might eventually lead me to the tragic, sorry path that most writers tread on. Good thing that is not the case for me anymore—at least at the moment. By writing something upbeat, initiated by that short vacation of mine, I am now more eager to explore this craft even more. I feel that by doing so, I would be able to create something that may serve as an emollient to the scars that my words—and my muse inflicted upon me.

I am still uncertain on where this passion will lead to—or how long I’ll have this kind of disposition. I still think that the wounds I have, though slowly healing, might reopen and create a deeper cut. But then I was told by my mom one time to think positive. Just as long as I would be able to handle enemies and adversities maturely by fully letting go and moving on, nothing would definitely go wrong. So, even though there is a high possibility for my wounds to bleed again soon, I’m willing to set that sad thought aside not because my mom said so, but I believe that’s the strongest weapon I’ve got for now to win this never ending battle [if I may call it one].

And as long as this disposition is with me—is still in me, I won’t stop writing about these things that are making me smile and look forward to another day. Who knows? Maybe this time, I would not only transmit my message to its direct recipient, but I can also get to sympathize to others out there who are also struggling to crawl out of the dark. When that time comes, I would be able to look back and take a look at my scars with a smile because I was finally able to do what I really have to do.

And maybe make my own path leading to my very own happy ending.

Blue Monday's OST:)

2008-05-26T03:35:00.000-07:00

Rules:

1. Open your music library (iTunes, Winamp, Media Player, iPod, etc).
2. Put it on shuffle.
3. Press play.
4. For every question, type the song that's playing.
5. When you go to a new question, press the next button.
6. Don't lie and try to pretend you're cool.

1. OPENING: Pink Triangle by Weezer

Well, that was the song I played before I pressed shuffle in the winamp. I didn't expect that it would be my opening song!! Anyway, I would have to say that this is my perfect "angry song," thanks to the song's chorus:

I'm dumb she's a lesbian
I thought I had found the one
We were good as married in my mind
But married in my mind is no good
A pink triangle on her sleeve
Let me know the truth, let me know the truth.

It has just one of those good word plays! So that I wouldn't feel that much of a loser, I changed the gender of the second person pronoun here and at the moment, I am lovingly posting it as a shoutout in my Friendster account...hehehehehe!!

Sa maigo lang jud!! *evil laugh*

2. WAKING UP: Unlovable by Darren Hayes

Hmmmmmm...how can this be a waking up song for me? Like an emotional awakening of some sort? I reckon this is a perfect WHY? song, especially after a breakup or something. Anyway, these lines might be a good waking up lyrics for me...

You make me feel like my father never loved me (You never loved me)
You make me feel like the act of love is empty ( And I felt so empty)
Am I so unlovable?
Is my skin untouchable
Do I remind you of a part of you that you don't like?

You make me feel like my mother, she abandoned me (You abandoned me)
You make me feel like the act of love is empty ( And I felt so empty)
Am I so unlovable?
Is my heart unbreakable
Do I remind you of a part of you that you despise?

Ouch, isn't it? Kakagising talaga.hehehehe!

3. FIRST DAY AT SCHOOL: Living on a Prayer by Bon Jovi

I wanted this song to be in another question/category...tsk. But since the fun part here is that I cannot manipulate the shuffle mode of winamp, I might as well try to make a connection in this part!hehehehehehehe!!
Let's say that this song is a first in its own way. It signifies my first trip to Camiguin. My first getaway with my good 'ol Drinking Buddy. My first backpack travel [kuno], my first long trip, and my first...hehehehehe!![oi!! no kinky thoughts, please!! absolutely none of that, which makes it oh so fabulously memorable!:)] And oh, by the way, this is also my first Bon Jovi song that I appreciated in years! In fairness, classic pala ang song na ito!! Dubbed as one of the best songs of all time! How's that?:D

4. FALLING IN LOVE: Direct Dubit by Arkarna

I am not sure how this is going to fit in this "question". If Bon Jovi played now, I believe it would make more sense. Lemme go check the lyrics real quick and see if I can find a connection one way or the other here...

I give you all that I've got to give,
From head to toe and in my fingertips.
I know I can find what I'm looking for.

Calling out to you, I'll be calling out, calling out to you.

Well I knew it was too good to be true,
What's good for me is not much good to you,
Don't start stopping now, we've come too far,
And I might just be a minute away,
But they only ever want me to stay,
If I keep on I will found what we're looking for.

There's nothing you can tell me,
Cos I already know,
No one's gonna stop me now.

Calling out to you, I'll be calling out, calling out to you.

Well, it kinda makes sense...sorta...but the falling in love thing here is not a giddy kinda romance, you know what I mean?:D

5. FIGHT SONG: Your Guardian Angel by Red Jumpsuit Apparatus

And here is another song that I also can't figure out why it would have to be a fight song. I would have to say that it is more of a defeat song because of the first two lines of the song...but either way, in a fight, there is a winner and a loser, anyway...so I guess I am on the losing side, huh?*sigh*

6. BREAKING UP: Born Yesterday Part 1 by Arkarna

Can Arkarna be romantic? Sumkinda. I checked the lyrics online, like what i did on the first one, and yeah, it sorta made a connection in a way...

Now this is getting more interesting...hehehehehe!

I thought you knew it all, everything and more,
Why trivial pursuit just made me feel this small.
When tomorrow comes, you'll be leaving me behind,
I don't learn from your mistakes, so let me have my time.
Let the tables turn,
Together we will grow,
When they say,
I was born yesterday.
Wait let me do it wrong so you can watch me lose,
Don't point your finger cause there's nothing left to do.
Let the tables turn,
Together we will grow,
When they say,
I was born yesterday.
Oh you'll never hold me down,
I've got the whole world in my hands,
I'm alive you can't take that away.

Bleed, bleed you cat!!gggrrr!!>_<

7. PROM: Violet Hill By Coldplay

This is too heavy for a prom song...but, if I have to figuratively make a connection to this category from my sordid life story, well, I have to say that being too shy to tell the real feelings towards a particular person feels like "prom" to me. There is a line in the song that says:

If you love me, won't you let me know?

And because I find the song a heavy love song, here is my favorite line here that indeed brought weight to the lyrics:

So if you love me, why'd you let me go?

And why indeed?

8. LIFE: Hey Boy, Hey Girl by Chemical Brothers

Hey girls
Hey boys
Superstar djs
Here we go!

What more can I say about this song? This never failed to make my head bob to the beat that it unconsciously goes to my subconscious and makes me go semi-trance for 4:49 minutes. Now that's what life to me is all about!! Getting audibly stoned!! yebbah!!\m/

9. MENTAL BREAKDOWN: Hide and Seek by Imogen Heap

where are we?
what the hell is going on?
the dust has only just begun to form
crop circles in the carpet
sinking feeling

spin me round again
and rub my eyes,
this can't be happening
when busy streets a mess with people
would stop to hold their heads - heavy

hide and seek
trains and sewing machines
all those years
they were here first

oily marks appear on walls
where pleasure moments hung before the takeover,
the sweeping insensitivity of this still life

hide and seek
trains and sewing machines (oh, you won't catch me around here)
blood and tears (hearts)
they were here first

Mmmm whacha say,
Mmmm that you only meant well?
well of course you did
Mmmm whacha say,
Mmmm that its all for the best?
Because it is
Mmmm whacha say?
Mmmm that it's just what we need
you decided this
whacha say?
Mmmm what did she say?

ransom notes keep falling out your mouth
mid-sweet talk, newspaper word cut outs
speak no feeling no i don't believe you
you don't care a bit,
you don't care a bit

(hide and seek)
ransom notes keep falling out your mouth
mid-sweet talk, newspaper word cut outs

(hide and seek)
speak no feeling no i don't believe you
you don't care a bit,
you don't care a (you don't care a) bit

(hide and seek)
oh no, you don't care a bit
oh no, you don't care a bit

(hide and seek)
oh no, you don't care a bit
you don't care a bit
you don't care a bit

Enough said, I guess. I would have to say that this song PERFECTLY interpreted my mental breakdown...really...xD

10. DRIVING: Breathless by Darren Hayes

Uhm, is this connected with my inner wish of driving at 140 kph? It can leave someone breathless, right? And since the singer is my literary guru, it is, as always, not related to the question/topic, whatever you call it. But, if I have to find something to relate to these two opposing poles, maybe this line can make sense...hehehehehe

...there are beaches in the sun, we have yet to leave our footprints on...

One of the best drivers I have ever known in my life...next to my Dad and my bro...
Ehem...don't wanna elaborate...mahirap na!hahahaha!:D

11. FLASHBACK: Let Go by Frou Frou

Hmmm....Is this song trying to tell me to let go of my past?hahahahaha!! Kinda makes sense...but here is the thing...

'...'cause there's beauty in the breakdown...

Oh well...either way, I have to let go one way or the other...no more painful flashbacks! drat!

12. GETTING BACK TOGETHER: Damn Regret by Red Jumpsuit Apparatus

Ouch!! Damn Regret indeed! Been there, done that, for a gazillion times...and what's my state now? Status quo...Damn that person!!

Damn regret, I’ll try to forget
Don’t worry about me
Cause I’m refined
Cast my line
To see what’s behind
Did you think you persuaded me to let you go?

Did you think I'd forget?
Did you think I'd surrender myself to persuade you to let me go?
Did you think I'd forget?
Did you think I'd surrender myself to persuade you to let me go?

Damn Regret!!*lunatic laugh*

13. WEDDING: So Little Time By Arkarna

Arkarna seems to be like teasing me!

So little time so much to do,
I wanna spend my days with you,
So little time so much to do,
I'd like to spend one day with you,
And if that day is not enough,
Maybe we can stay in touch,
But i'm not making plans for tomorrow,
For tomorrow never comes.

And I've love to see a little more of you,
You're clothes would look better on my bedroom floor, bedroom floor.[*ehem!:P*]

But then again, kinda makes sense, isn't it? Made me realize that that song can be romantic too....hehehehehe!!:P

14. BIRTH OF A CHILD: Peace of Mind by Arkarna

Okay, here is actually the deal here. The songs in the winamp now are the combination of the songs my brother and I uploaded. I decided to upload their album since I reckon techno doesn't give that much mushiness and doesn't remind me of heartbreak or whatever you call that...so that is the brief history of my playlist!

As for the connection of this song...

In a race that never ends, never starts, we're going nowhere fast, we're heading for some trouble up ahead, give your mind to the music, Open up, don't keep it locked inside. All in all you know what's right from wrong.
Who's got more money who's getting in free, well who needs to be any better then the next man, better than the next man, better than the next man,

Peace of mind, Peace for mankind,

Twist the needle round, You can be who you wanna be, open your mind, don't keep it locked inside, all in all you know what's right from wrong,
And I know I'm not alone when i say, there's not much time, to find...

Again, it makes sense, isn't it?:P This is what I wanted to tell a newborn child, really...:P

15. FINAL BATTLE: Bachelorette by Bjork

Oh yes, the artistic Bjork strikes bull's eye on this!! The lyrics of this song is just so powerful that if I connect it to my "final battle," what it is trying to say is that no matter how much you try to break me or make me bleed, I will still be here standing strong, kaya sorry ka na lang!hahahaha!

I'm a tree that grows hearts
One for each that you take
You're the intruders hand
I'm the branch that you break

16. DEATH SCENE: Block Capital by Arkarna

One stolen breath within the city falls, Inhale the future you could have it all, It's such a nuclear waste but it sees me through,
Don't follow me cause I'm lost too.

These words I scream in silence, I don't fit this shoe, With a passion building up inside the bite i could not chew, It's always something for nothing,

I've got a high rise block inside my head, I hate to state the obvious but nothing is said, Pollute you lungs and your mind will follow, Time decays until it's over,

Intoxicated sanity, The fabric of society, I need someone to stand by me, What's done is done, Just let me breathe,
These words I scream in silence, With a passion building up inside...

Enough said, once again...hits close to home ulit eh!hehehehe!!

17. FUNERAL SONG: Born Yesterday Part 2

Everyone's on their own world, Made up of what they hear and see, Your mind's so closed you can't see me, Open your eyes,

Born yesterday, yesterday, yes today is the future.

Is this song trying to say that when I die, it will be absolutely go unnoticed?
This is not the song I wanted for my funeral, then...tsk

18. END CREDITS: Demons by Guster

Again, this is not the ending song that I had in mind...looks like winamp is not being cooperative with me on this meme...hehehehe!! but either way, the song still fits because:

My words confuse you
My eyes don’t move a blink
Cause it’s easier sometimes
Not to be sincere
Somehow I make you believe
Believe
When I speak I cross my fingers
Will you know you’ve been deceived?
I find a need to be the demon
A demon cannot be hurt
Honest is easy
Fiction is where genius lies
Cause it’s easier sometimes
Not to be involved
Somehow I make you believe
Believe
When I speak I cross my fingers
Will you know you’ve been deceived?
I find a need to be the demon
A demon cannot be hurt
When I speak I cross my fingers
Will you know you’ve been deceived?
I find a need to be the demon
A demon cannot be hurt
When I speak I cross my fingers
Will you know you’ve been deceived?
I find a need to be the demon
A demon cannot be hurt

And that ends my OST, folks!! Mucho thanks to my cousin for posting this on her site...at least I was able to pirate it..hehehehehe!!^.^

Time Off

2008-05-21T15:49:00.000-07:00

You.
And your laughing eyes
sharing wonderfully unforgettable memories
over bottles of cold beer
and never ending cigarette smoke.

Camiguin.15052008

The Perfect Land Trip

2008-05-20T20:26:00.000-07:00

My trip to CARAGA last week was the longest land trip I had by far--alone. My initial plan was to go on a backpack trip somewhere far from the city. Somewhere laid back, somewhere peaceful and of course, somewhere that has an unforgettable beach resort to work my tan on. I was about to celebrate my _th birthday. Afraid that it would be another bleak celebration for me, I decided to do something impulsive by suddenly arranging this "backpack travel." My officemate thought it would be a good birthday treat for me. My parents hesitated at first because it would be a long travel alone. But, after hearing my intention [and maybe after realizing that I am no longer their baby daughter anymore.haha!] and after maybe realizing that I was determined to give it a go, they gave me their blessing on my plan for soul searching. The Camiguin Island was a perfect choice for my intended trip. Aside from the fact that I would be seeing different municipalities along the way, going to the said island was one of the easiest route I ever learned so far, making me more or less confident that I would know my way around in time. My initial route was Camiguin via CDO. I reckoned that it would be nice to visit CDO once again since I fell in love with it way back in college, as it was a frequent stop over in our school trips back then. But, when I suddenly told a friend[who was having a vacation in Butuan that time] of my plans, he practically shouted on his text message to go via their place instead. It was like a lighbulb moment idea, if you know what I mean. This friend, despite some circumstances, was definitely someone I look forward to seeing again. He was not only a friend, he was a smoking and drinking buddy. The more bottles of beer and cigarette sticks we consume, the more we exchange crazy stories about anything and everything under the sun, making us laugh like drunken lunatics[as what our state usually is after 3 or more bottles of beer]. Our ultimate alcohol rush. Anyway, since I also liked the thought of intoxicating myself with alcohol and nicotine with him, I immediately changed route to make a stop over instead in Butuan.

On the day of my departure, Dad accompanied me to Buhangin Gym to wait for the bus going to my first destination. I was constantly asking him questions and brief directions on the place since he was also familiar with Butuan. He, in turn also tirelessly reminded me to take care and stay on guard since I would be by myself. The bus has finally arrived. After giving my Dad a peck on the cheek, I hastily looked for a place where I can undisturbingly chill out with my new iPod Touch, my birthday gift to myself. Unfortunately, the last seat located at the back of the bus was the most convenient seat I could find. I was left with no other choice but to situate myself there. Good thing the vacant seat was beside a window, so it won't be a boring 6-hour trip for me after all.

I took out my precious birthday present after paying for my ticket and getting myself comfy in my seat. I set my player in a shuffle mode. I usually love doing this whenever I go on a sound trip. The thought of just not knowing what's going to play next gives me an exhilarating feeling. This is the kind of anticipation I love. Sometimes, I would play a little game to myself by trying to guess what song is going to play next. If I guessed it right, then what I wished for at that time has a higher chance of coming true. Most often than not, I would guess it right. Part of me thinks that that's just how connected I am with my gadget, but the other part of me would be pathetically optimistic over that thing I wished for. So far, none came true yet, but that is another story to tell.

And because I was too pressed for time to upload my favorite songs in my iPod, I ended up putting less than a 100 songs for that trip. Generally, I would say that like me, my playlist was a mixture of happy, sad and a little bit of angry songs. I could clearly remember smiling over one song then immediately shedding tears over the next. That crazy. To clearly see my point, allow me to enumerate the artists that is on my playlist.

Darren Hayes-sound trip would definitely not be complete without my literary guru's songs, especially now that he has a latest album. As what I mentioned in my review, his latest piece perfectly described the things I went through and am going through as far as emotions are concerned. I believe that he is one of my emotional soulmates on this planet. I can totally feel that most of his lyrics are personal, or based from personal experiences, but here he is boldly singing them, unafraid of what people, especially those close to him would say. His songs were actually the ones that put me into a bipolar mode for a moment during my ride. The first song would have to be The Tuning of Violins. The melody of this song made me look forward to my getaway even more. I was starting to imagine sunflowers, beaches and the night full of booze shared with my drinking buddy. I couldn't help but smile over those wonderful things in store for me on this short vacation. The second song, entitled Maybe, was its exact opposite. The song was basically about musings on this certain person in your life who suddenly left you bewildered and wondering. Then here you are gauging both sides of the coin and making you hope at the same time that maybe that person would eventually come back home. All I can say at the moment is that upon listening to each words intently, it, as always, hit close home to me. It unearthed my ultimate reason why I planned this trip in the first place, thus, bringing tears to my eyes. Me and my pathetic optimism. Drat.
Weezer-if I am in desperate need of a goofy grin, the masters of geek rock can give that to me effortlessly. I would have to say that these guys are masters of word play. I couldn't help but laugh over the words on their Pink Triangle song and No Other One. Content-wise, these two songs are basically "loser songs," or let's say, songs for the brokenhearted and unfortunate in the romance department[like me? maybe. Maybe not]. But due to word play, they made it sound as if it is just one of those common misforortune a person gets in his/her lifetime. A something-kinda-funny situation, so to speak. No wonder these guys rock! For teenage dirtbags[like me, sorta]...cheers!
Coldplay-these guys are artists, what more I can say? I thought I included their latest single, which they gave out for free online for a week, but to no avail. The good old ones were in my playlist, and of course, Yellow was one of them.
Oasis-Their second album pretty much paved way for me to love rock music. They may be considered pop, technically, but their sound made me crave for more raw melody and lyrics. I would have to say that their second album is one of the best album of all time! Unfortunately, since I am also new with the iTunes software, I wasn't able to upload the entire album in my player. But thank God my favorite Wonderwall is in it.
Arkarna-I wonder where these guys are now? After their smash hit debut album, I haven't heard from them since. I would have to say this album unleashes my frustration in car racing--and driving, for that matter. Most often than not, this album made me fantasize driving a car at say, 140 kph on a wide highway[tapos biglang sagasa ng pusa, tengna!hahaha!]. Wish I can do that before I leave this planet...hehehehe!
Beatles-I only uploaded their Come Together song. I reckon this song is a good chill out/breather song.
Bob Dylan- I would also have to say the same thing on Like A Rolling Stone. This has been my ultimate Bob Dylan favorite. Made me want to be a hippie myself, thanks to this song!:P
Secondhand Serenade-the song Take Me With You wasn't supposed to be in my playlist since I only loved a few emo bands so far. But when I accidentally played this song on winamp, I realized that this song has a nice, acoustic beat. The blending of guitars is just unique and catchy, convincing me to include it in my playlist. This may be going to be a bit far out for this entry, but I reckon it is still worth including. I am actually dubbing this as my pre-Camiguin song because while I had Drinking Bud[to be dubbed as BFF, or Beer Friends Forever soon!hahaha!sorry ka na lang, choy!:P] listen to this song in my iTouch, he suddenly blurted out, "take me with you to Camiguin!" so there!:P
Cheap Trick- I only uploaded I Want You to Want Me to check if it is okay to import an mp3 file from my CD compilation. But while listening to it in the bus, I reckoned that its upbeat tune was a good pick for the trip as well.

After several terminal stops[and comfort room trips for me too], and fully exhausting the songs in my player[thank God I uploaded enough! I thought I didn't!:)], I was already minutes away from the Butuan bus terminal. My sundo texted me that he was on his way already. And because traffic jam is still a foreign word in that place, I arrived at my destination on time. I went to the comfort room for the nth time once again and while waiting for Drinking Bud to arrive, I looked for the nearest shade where I can puff my first stick for the day. On my third stick, I finally caught a glimpse of the infamous Oakley Juliet practically fogged by the owner's cigarette smoke. When our "shaded eyes" meet, he gave out a dazzling smile, making his adorable dimple appear on his left cheek. I gave out the most heartwarming laugh I ever had in weeks as he was approaching me and held out his hand for a high five.

As we were leaving the terminal, we were chatting and laughing endlessly. This is going to be an unforgettable getaway, I thought then.
And it indeed was.

The Right Chill

2008-05-19T15:27:00.000-07:00

Lying on a rattan hammock, rocked by the refreshing night summer breeze, watching the moon adding stars to the clear night sky, listening to the soothing melody of Camiguin waves with my drinking buddy over an icebox full of beer.

Camiguin. 15052008

Golden Sunset, Camiguin

2008-05-18T16:11:00.000-07:00

Nakabangon na ako.
Napagpag ko na ang alikabok sa pantalon ko.
Bumalik na ang balat sa pumaltos kong tuhod.

Di na kita kailangan.

[Sabay tawa at higa sa kama para makinig uli sa alon ng dagat. Char!]

16 May 2008

10 Artists Meme from John B :P

2008-05-10T02:29:00.000-07:00

10 artists you can think of now:

Savage Garden
Darren Hayes
Coldplay
Weezer
The Used
Our Lady Peace
The Beatles
Janis Joplin
Bob Dylan
Stereophonics

What was the first song you ever heard by #6?

I believe that would have to be Clumsy. I just love the rawness of their melody as well the their lyrics. They perfectly describe how it is to have that adolescent angst!

What is your favorite song of #2?

Too many to mention! He, has been, and always be my literary guru!! I even love his latest double album and can't wait to have a copy of his second album!

But, if I really have to answer this specifically, I will mention a few fave songs from his latest album. That would have to be Casey, Sing To Me, The Future Holds A Lion's Heart and A Conversation With God--my ever fave.:D

What is your favorite lyric of #5?

Gosh! I have a lot of fave lyrics from this band! I will also mention a few painfulyy beutiful ones...

...found a box of sharp objects what a beautiful thing!

should have done something
but I've done it enough
by the way your hands were shaking
rather waste some time with you...

Small, simple, safe price.
Rise the wake and carry me with all of my regrets.
This is not a small cut that scabs, and dries, and flakes, and heals.
And I am not afraid to die;
I'm not afraid to bleed and fuck and fight,
I want the pain of payment.
What's left, but a section of pygmy sized cuts.
Much like a slew of a thousand unwanted fucks.
Would you be my little cut?
Would you be my thousand fucks?
And make mark leaving space for the guilt to be liquid.
To fill and spill over and under my thoughts.
My sad, sorry, selfish cry out to the cutter.
I'm cutting trying to picture your black, broken heart.
Love is not like anything,
Especially a fucking knife!

How many times have you seen #4 live?

Last week in youtube, when I was in a Weezer tripping mood...hehehehehe!
But I really hope I can get to see them perform right before my very eyes!!:P

What is your favorite song by #7?

I dig Come Together lately. Simple, pero rock!\m/

Is there any song by #3 that makes you sad?

Yes. They have a lot of sad songs that they even make me cry. Usually, my fave songs from the band are their sad songs like The Scientist, Fix You [like, their saddest song, so far]. And i reckon their latest song Violet Hill is a sad song, too.

What is your favorite lyric of #2?

Coincidentally, it's also from "Bachelorette" and it goes,

"I'm a tree that grows hearts, one for each that you take.
You're the intruders hand, I'm the branch that you break. "-shox, John, I just love this Bjork song! But unfortunately, Tita Darren is in my #2, so i have to put a different lyric here. And since he is my literary guru, almost all of his songs are just GUHREAT! But this demo song of his is the one that sooo much hits close to home to me...

I'm not through with loving you
We've got so much more to do
There are beaches in the sun we have yet to leave our footprints on
You know I know I can try but I'll never find another you
Darlin' come back to bed and find what we've been losing

What is your favorite song by #9?

One of my LSS for a couple of days now is Mr. Tambourine Man, thanks to Jason Castro. But my ever fave would have to be Like a Rolling Stone.

When did you first get into #1?

When I was sweet 16! The moment I heard the chic-a cherry cola song a.k.a., I Want You, I was hooked...until now!! Their debut album would definitely have to be my favorite album of all time!

How did you get into #3?

Thanks to their vid Yellow. Just love the simplicity of the vid and the honesty of the lyrics. One of the most romantic songs, I reckon!

What is your favorite song by #4?

Again, to many too mention. I love Buddy Holly, Say It Ain't So, Come Undone [the Sweater Song], The Pink Triangle, El Scorcho, Beverly Hills, Perfect Situation, and my ever fave from this band, my ultimate summer beach getaway song, Island in the Sun!

How many times have you seen #9 live?

In youtube pa rin, as useless...:P Still do hope that I can see him perform live, despite being old already and all...

What is a good memory concerning #4?

Their videos never fails to make me laugh! Geek rock to the highest level, maaan!!yebbah!!\m/

Is there a song by #8 that makes you sad?

I just recently got hooked with her. But her voice alone make me sad. sayang kasi she died young. And her voice is just one of a kind! Hope I can download it somewhere...:P

What is your favorite song of #1?

I love all of their songs in their 2 albums...but my ever fave would have to be track #3, Truly, Madly, Deeply.

How did you become a fan of #10?

I fell in love with Maybe Tomorrow. And the vox's fashion sense. Classy, like his raspy voice...:P

Viva Coldplay!

2008-05-03T02:43:00.000-07:00

Coldplay is for people with great taste, intelligence, incredible good lookingness, talent, ability, success, grabbing of life.

Coldplay's for people who know what life's about. They're always entertaining. Delightful to talk to. Sweet, charming, incredibly good in bed. Virile. They have incredible success with girls, or boys, or both. They're generally just the world's best citizens.

Maybe I'm biased, but I'm definitely right.

-Chris Martin on Coldplay fans

This makes me even more proud to be a Coldplay fan!!!yebbah!\m/

They just released a new single and as I write this blog, everyone can download it for free.
[thanks to HS classmate Tina for sharing the link.:D]. So, if interested, it's only till 05 May!

I think I am going to buy the CD as soon as it's released in the market. These guys are always worth the buy!! Kaya nga wala me orig na CD pa nila kasi pinapagiipunan ko pa!hahahahaha!!

27 is the number of the month...drat!!tsk

2008-04-30T18:13:00.000-07:00

1. Why did you stop loving the last person you loved?
** It wasn't me that has the problem...yun lang masasabi ko...

2. Are you usually the heart breaker or the heartbroken?
** more of the former than the latter...tsk

3. What was the last thing you put in your mouth?
** Sunshine and Pink lemonade!! yum!yum!

4. Name a quote from the song you are listening to?
** I'm a lot like you/hello i'm here, i'm waiting...

5. How is life going for you right now?
** Bleak...especially now that I realized that all I ever wanted comes with a [hefty] price...
6. Are you keeping a secret from someone who needs to know the truth?
**ehem! sumimasen

7. Who was the last person to comment/send you a message you?
** my dear cousin! ^^-ditto!!!

8. Regret(s)?
** Meron din, pero as if i can make them come undone...pero i think i am more sorry on letting them happen than regreful, whatever that means...hehehehehe!

10. What was the first thing you said when you woke up today?
** I miss someone so badly...and I am hating myself more and more for that!!

11. Do you have a best friend?
**quite a few, yes...:D

12. Have you ever hated someone, but ended up being friends with them?
** No.-same here...i don't think that is ever going to happen in my lifetime, as in.

13. What do you think of people who have sex before marriage?
** The fact that they engaged in PMS would not change my opinion of (about?) them.-ditto again, cuz!! just as long as they do it "safe," as a very good friend once told me...:P

14. Do you own a pair of green pants?
** I think so. Naiwan ko sa Pansol...hehehehe!

15. Do you believe that what comes around goes around?
** Yes. It just takes years. *lol*-yeah. too bad that is the case...tsk.

16. What is your favorite fruit?
**Mango, strawberries, papaya, and lately, pinya[phytochemicals!:P]. Weather2 kasi ako kaya marami siya...hehehe!

17. What is the last song to make you cry?
**Life by Our Lady Peace, Casey and Sing to Me by Darren Hayes-waaah!

18. Is your best friend pretty?
** Of course!! wla akong kaibigang panget!!hahahahahaha!!

19. Have you ever passed out?
** hapit na, as in hapit na judz!!!

20. Do you trust people easily?
** not that easily anymore...

21. When was the last time you cried?
** Last month.

22. What's the thing that always gets you through the day?
** My work, my family, musikang bato, those people who still remain on my side despite...all odds...hahay!

23. Who do you miss?
** dami! pero ang nasa top of the list ay ang taong di na dapat bumalik kung ganito lang naman pala ang kakakahantungan...tsk

24. Do you give out second chances too easily?
** Did. Look where I am now...DAYM!!!

25. When was your last car ride to and from?
** Last night. from Gmall to home!!hehehe!

26. Where is one place you want to visit?
** this year...HK muna!! one year, one country/place at a time muna...hehehehe!

27. Do you like hugs or do you freak out when people hug you?
** I like hugs, especially bear hugs. ^^-me too!! and even the pakkun-bear hugs!! perfect substitute din yun!!:D

*/ copied from Cousin Sandra.

Brown Stripes and Bondage

2008-04-29T03:07:00.000-07:00

While I was enjoying my bacon and cheese bunwich at Dunkin Donuts, I still found my order slip taped on my tray. I am not sure how I would react to what was written there, and because of that, I decided not to leave the order slip on my tray and brought it home with me.
The brown stripe top that was described in the order slip was one of those outfits that was hanging on our clothes rack for more than a year already. The first and the last time I wore it was on my sister's 18th birthday. It indeed took me quite a while to wear it because first, I reckoned that it was a "party outfit," and second, My brother told me that night that someone told him the top made me look fatter. I am not trying to say here that I lost enough weight to pull of the get up, but I think the dark, tight-fit jeans that I just recently bought gave me some confidence to pair it with that top, thus, my wearing it the second time around.

Me wearing the brown stripe top on my sister's brithday. Too bad I didn't think about taking a pic of myself so that we can at least spot the difference or something. But whataheck? I don't think there was any difference at all save maybe for the curly hair, which I pretty much gave up for the time being.

=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=

As I was slowly consuming my bunwich and munchkins, I suddenly had a guilt trip again over my heavy snack. Aside from the fact that it might add another pound...maybe kilo in my weight, it would also create a huge dent on my budget. I sadly texted my cousin that for the past week, I am slowly bringing back practically all my bad habits that I thought I left in the big city. I was even making these sorry excuses that I needed them to gain full momentum at work, especially now that I am going to have my hands full on paperworks. I also can't help but think if these are my way of punishing myself, or atoning for whatever I thought I did wrong over the years or something. Either way, I am not sure anymore if it is worth going back, or rewinding. I don't really know what to think anymore. I haven't been myself for the past 4 weeks already. It's like this chain I have been carrying for so long is really beginning to feel its real weight already and its slowly consuming not only my energy but my entire being as well. I feel so tired that I am now relying on those things I was trying to set aside just to keep breathing...

Anyway, more of it in my next blog. I think that CAN give us [me included, of course] a cleaer picture...

Definitely Never Again

2008-04-17T21:04:00.000-07:00

A video posted on YouTube showing Philippine doctors laughing while removing an object from a patient may lead to charges against the surgeons and cost them their medical licenses, officials said Wednesday. The unauthorized nearly 3-minute video of a noisy operating room shows doctors and nurses laughing, giggling and cheering. At one point, a hand appears with a cell phone camera taking a close-up picture of the surgery(www.global-report.com).

A nearly three minute video of doctors and nurses acting like bunch of jerks in an operating room table?! What were they thinking? Didn't they even consider that the patient just rammed it into his butt accidentally?

That is why I can't help but sympathize with my cousin, as what she has written in her blog. I can't help that these people, who swore to be of service to people, would do such a stunt like this! They don't even deserve to be skinned alive...they should be fed to lions...or better yet, let them experience an eye-for-an-eye punishment. Let's see how they would beg for forgiveness for what they did. Let them cry tears of blood and they still won't be forgiven! Hah!

The sad part here is, according to news, the idiot behind the video is still unknown[typical in cyberspace]. No faces of those medical morons were shown in that infamous video. Even though there would be records to back the patient up, but with our country's judicial system, will that be enough to incarcerate them?

This must be a lesson to all of us, especially those who suddenly shifted to the medical field hoping that it would bring them to a greener pasture. Being a nurse/doctor is not an easy, or pansosyal job, as how others put it [by glorifying the R.N. or M.D. title next to their name]. Like teaching, medicine is also a vocation. It takes passion and dedication to be in the medical field by saving lives and serving other people in need. I am sure that is part of their oath as licensed doctors and/or nurses. If they were able to forget it [apparently, since they made a wonderful video that depicted doom to their license], they really don't deserve to be called doctors or nurses in the first place.

And I bet because of what they did, more quack doctors will get rich. They seem to be more reliable than these idiots who claim to be the most educated people in the country.

Yeah, right.

2F4 on Cam...a.k.a. The papparazzi attack

2008-04-12T21:47:00.000-07:00

this is in response to what the vamp and the empresh talked about online a couple of weeks ago. hope this pretty much gave a clearer pic of it!!

lovingly dedicated to my girls!! consider this a flower to whatever might ail us along the way...miss y'all!!

cheers!!

Cat and Mouse by Red Jumpsuit Apparatus

2008-03-31T17:28:00.000-07:00

I am hesitant to upload the song in my multiply account 'coz they might cancel my account this time!! tsk. anyway, I liked the thought that such cheesy, romantic theme has a funny title. but then, if you are going to read the lyrics thoroughly...you can't think of any other title after all!

for the cat who was chasing on that long highway forever...will all i ever wanted do really come with a price?

Song lyrics | Cat And Mouse lyrics

An Indefinite Leave

2008-03-25T03:16:00.000-07:00

I accidentally dropped my pile of books and what-nots beside my bed one night. If that didn't happen, I wouldn't have remembered I was sleeping beside my journal for the past months. I took my dust-covered red notebook [and yes, I am not exaggerating] and checked the date of my last entry, September 2007.
The first quarter of the New Year is about to end and I realized that this was the longest time I set my journal aside untouched since I decided to keep one when I was 12. Despite my busy schedule, I always make sure that I write an entry a month--or every other month, the longest. But, even if I realized that time that I almost stopped filling up the blank pages of my red notebook, I still didn't have the urge to find a pen and start writing at least something. Apart from that, I also realized that it has been a long time since I last wrote for my online blogs too! Whatever might have happened? I suddenly asked myself. I took a long look at my journal, as well as the other notebooks that I filled up throughout the years. Sure, I am busy--busier, in fact, since I just started my semester in graduate school. My present job also requires me to write most often than not, so that pretty much keeps my "creative juices" flowing--and me mentally exhausted usually at the end of the day. But I am now technically on summer vacation, so I really don't have that much load and paper works and assignments to think of.
But still, there I was not having the urge to write.
I tried to read my past entries, hoping that they would at least give me the answer I was looking for that night. I am tired, I read from one entry. But here I am still holding on to nothing.
There are times that I wish this didn't come at all...
If killing or hurting oneself is not a sin, or doesn't mean quitting, or would make me look pathetic to everyone, I would have done it a long time ago.
One of the most unforgettable theories I learned from my college professors was writers are the persons who are closest to tragedies and misfortunes. In fact, most of them welcome it since it paved the way for them to write. It feeds their craft. My professors also happened to be notable writers in the country and yes, they too are a walking example of this theory. Furthermore, the greatest and most unforgettable writers in literary history also shared the same sad, sorry fate. Yukio Mishima, who was considered to be one of the most prolific writers of Westernized Japan, committed seppuku, or the ritual suicide by disembowelment, as soon as he finished writing the final line of his Sea of Fertility tetralogy. Sylvia Plath also decided to take her own life by converting her kitchen to a gas chamber, with her head inside the oven [let us also add Ted Hughes's infidelity, plus her almost countless bout with depression and electro shock therapy]. The supposedly romantic Christopher Marlowe[yes, I find his works romantic] was a reputable rakehell and died on a brawl in a bar. Ernest Hemingway placed a bullet on his head after realizing he existed in nothingness. Virginia Woolf heavied her pockets with rocks and walked to the river and never resurfaced alive. My list can cross to different genres, and even exhaust to other forms of art, but the bottom line here is, their output thrives on their "unhappy endings." As much as I want to admit that I have come to love the art of painting pictures through colorful words, I wanted to veer away from the thought of ending my story with a tragic, pointless death or a tear-jerking, pathetic life story.
I suddenly felt that I am treading the same path. I am not trying to seek sympathy, nor trying to liken myself to these remarkable persons. It is just that my present journal speaks only the sorrows of my soul. Whenever there is a gap on my entries, it is an obvious sign that I was savoring the colorful wonders of life that I find it difficult to contain and lock in my journal or blog. My first--and only published fiction, to date, depicted a persona of a girl falling in love with a black and white photo and eventually realized her intrusion of a sweet, intimate moment. My collection of fiction in my thesis evolved on the state of letting go and struggling to tread on the path of aloneness thereafter. My online blog entries serve as my shout out to cyberspace, hoping that by doing so would fill up the vacuous feeling of fighting over an emotion that chains up my being for as long as I can remember. I reckon that by writing about it would save my sanity rather than wait for the right moment to vent, which is least likely to happen.
My muse for more than half a decade suddenly came into the picture like, an apparition from nowhere. Like that black and white picture of a beautiful man that suddenly came to life. The muse who never failed to fill my head up with adverbs and adjectives to describe the sinking feeling of longing, loneliness and aloneness. I may have written some entries that pictured out that elated feeling of being complete, like that famous multivitamin commercial that raves to have all the nutrients and vitamins the body needs. But, what flooded me the most were thoughts on how painful it was to hear nothing but silence, to see nothing but black and white, to know nothing of the purpose of my existence--and vice versa. Some people thought I am being masochistic, especially on how I harbor this heavy chip on my shoulders. Some reckon it as stupidity and martyrdom. I think I am just patient with a high tolerance for pain. But just like anyone who carries a heavy load, or waited for so long, I also am beginning to feel tired, and on the brink of giving up, even. And my dusty, red notebook is a sure sign of that.
Only God knows whether my journal will continue to collect dust in my bed, or if my pen will bleed into it again. My fervent wish at the moment is if Providence fated me to continue living like this, I wish that someway, somehow, I would be able to show to the world that in the end, the tears and the bondage were all worth it. And since I, too, am still uncertain on how to prove this, I decided to remain silent for the time being.
And I hope that when sound waves starts to break in again, I will see life in a different light so that my pen will finally write colorful and bright entries in my red notebook.

gotta rest for a while,
just to bring it back...-Sometimes, Nine Days

too fast,too furious indeed!

2008-03-19T11:20:00.000-07:00

oh, yes, i am so into satoshi-chan lately!! this is just one of his adorable angles!!! on a hollywood movie at that!!

can't wait for my download to finish!!:P

a mixed up kid's sanity

2008-03-01T09:03:00.000-08:00

mixed up kid's pictures of events, places, people[fictitious or not] and things that is keeping her at bay...and still breathing...

SPC's Research and Publication Office to Launch RPO Manual

2008-01-18T13:09:00.000-08:00

The Research and Publication Office of
San Pedro College will launch the first
edition of the Research and Publication
Manual, as well as the first volume of
the Compendium of Abstracts on 23
January 2008 at Philomene Labreque Hall.
To learn more about the above mentioned
publications, log on to our website.

Shox!! this is it na gayud!! my 2 major
literary babies, by far!!!ahoo!ahoo!!:D

Incorrigible

2007-12-07T21:48:00.000-08:00

It's like an old pair of shoes that still snugs comfortably on my feet. A forgotten record that still makes my head bob with the rhythm. A reunited boy band that still sings the melodies of my soul. A love that left and spurned me...and comes back to heal my wounds.

There is no such thing as moving forward. We will always look back, and move on.

mkll30082007

Insecurity

2007-10-18T16:28:00.000-07:00

you

take

PLEASURE

PAIN…

then I see

you longing to

feel

BLOOD

flowing on

my cheek…

(i bet you are going to love every drop of it…)

i want to stop crying

so i can

WHIPLASH YOU

with thorns

until we both

drown

in tears and

BLOOD.

Achromatic Tendencies

2007-10-18T06:43:00.000-07:00

When I see the world as nothing but black and white...

no money...tsk

ajar

one [head]light

silence

breaking it...i wish.

Insensitively Sensitive

2007-09-14T21:59:00.000-07:00

How were you able to learn to be sweet and charming as a little boy, and then be as cold and hard as Moses’ pharaoh the next? How could you have impressed me with your mature and responsible disposition, and then leave me bewildered, ignored and neglected by your unexplained silence? How could you have shivered from my touch, insatiably reached out for me, and not give a single sign of longing as days pass by? How could you have listened to me as if I am saying the wisest statements, as if I breathe music to my lips, and then shun and ignore my every cheerful news, achievements and words of endearment? How could you have claimed to love and care for me one moment, and then turn away when I reciprocated it?

Are these one of your unusual flair? Or are they also of my own doing?

I felt left out in the cold, shivering, wondering I was suddenly left standing in the dark, cold nowhere. I wanted to weep, bawl, and scream at the top of my lungs on what’s really going on. I imagined doing this right at your face, but whenever I am given a chance, all that happens is I cower on that piercing stare of yours, and by the time I vehemently opened my mouth in consternation, you silenced it with a melting kiss.

The adrenaline, topped with your fiery seduction, temporarily transports me out of reality, and then back again because it didn’t turn to be a luxurious, long trip. I was back to that frozen seclusion once and again. I know I have every will and every power to remove myself from that sorry, cold state I am in, even if it takes me to be alone in the end, but my incessant battle with pride, love, and whatever they are connected with, always brings me back to my chilly solitude. That no matter how much I try to escape and bask at the beaming freedom, I realize at the end of the day, that loving doesn’t always have to define your warm presence, your cherished caress, your romantic spirit. Love means struggling out from that cold, freezing isolation with you, together with your stoic and unrelenting character. If I couldn’t learn to love you more despite of it, then I should’ve stayed stretched out under the sun, until I scorch, and burn, and turn to dust.

Writer's Block

2007-08-25T01:58:00.000-07:00

Wishing that my beloved tiny pen would finish the piece I am working on...

But then its itsy bitsy bit of sharpness remained lying amidst the unfinished sentences.

I wonder how this will go...and end...and when.

Love/Death

2007-07-22T01:00:00.000-07:00

Overcome me, baby...
-Momentum, Vienna Teng

As I was walking deep into your ocean, I managed to keep myself afloat. But your waves suddenly came crashing down on me--one after the other, bringing me up...and down, slowly to the ocean floor. I felt scared, suffocated by the water rushing into my lungs. Yet I still welcomed it, allowed myself to be drowned by it. As your waves kept sinking me to the bottom, I felt your current caressing me, curling, wrapping every inch of my body. I opened my mouth and gulped your salty ocean. It was slowly taking my breath away. If I am going to die, I don't mind dying like this, I told myself as your waves continued to rock me, strangling me with your caress...

I suddenly felt the rough,warm sand on my face. I opened my eyes, and found myself panting heavily.

mkll140507

bringing back the old school...

2007-07-20T16:35:00.000-07:00

Link

I just love the way Lala posted our pics in her blog...can't help but look back and laugh!

And sigh at the same time. *sad smile*

Black and White

2007-05-28T06:23:00.000-07:00

The piece that started it all...

I just can’t help but stare at it.

Not that I have nothing else to do but I just love staring at this picture. There’s nothing special about it, really. Nothing even colorful nor attractive about it. But I look at it like it is the most colorful portrait I have ever seen.

It is just a black and white portrait of a young couple about to share a very intimate moment together. The achromatic portrait spoke a thousand colors before my very eyes. The couple are caught up in a tight, seductive embrace and about to lock themselves in a passionate kiss. The guy’s hands lovingly and delicately cup the girl’s head, her tendrils of hair entwining on his fingers and fleeting on his cheek. His eyes, they are the sweetest thing to look at in the picture. They are tender, yet heavy-lidded with love and passion, especially intended for his beloved. The girl’s eyes mirror the guy’s emotion. She looks assured and secure with the guy intimately near her.

Unearthing these emotions from the couple, I feel like an intruder to their intimate moment together. I should not be looking and observing them that way. But I can’t help it. I feel warm all over. I feel a tingle in my spine and on my skin. I know I looked flushed, I can feel my cheek turn warm and pink. And my eyes, they look like…they feel like…

Her eyes.

I suddenly feel his hands caressing my cheek, his warm body against mine, the intensity of his love and passion. I see..

See what? See who?

I feel my eyes widen with realization. I am not familiar with these emotions. There is no one to share this intimate moment with. The warm, tingling feeling burn me. My pink, flushed cheeks bewilder me. My smoldering eyes scare me. I haven’t been like this before. Strange. Perhaps because I hear my friends talk about this often. They usually say to me that falling in love and to be loved in return is one of the greatest things in life. Having someone to cuddle and cling on to is ideal.
I see them smile and sigh dreamily. I see their eyes sparkle with delight. I even see them exchange moony-eyed gazes with their special someone. They seem to float while walking. They seem to stare at nothing when they are alone. They seem to live life like it is colorful and way beyond routines and habits.

But not me. I don’t see what makes their lives colorful and why having someone to love makes their lives colorful and worth cherishing. I don’t get the point of their being that way. For me, life is nothing without routine. Habits lead our lives. Spontaneity is not my cup of tea. Life is a two-way process and incorporating other emotions from it could ruin it. Everything is just black and white for me.

I look again at the picture. I feel those funny emotions again. But this time, I am no longer scared by it. In fact, it feels good. I am beginning to like this warm feeling hovering all over me while looking at this couple!

Is this what they could possibly feel for each other should they be alive and real like me? Would it be more intense if the girl was me? Would I give in and savor the feeling if the girl was me?

I sigh. I am motionless. My eyes are no longer blinking. I am staring through the picture. But I just plainly stare at them and relish this newfound sensation. The warmth of his hand against my cheek, the pounding of his heart against my hand, the intensity of his stare…everything, not minding the inner voice mocking inside me.

But she is not you! They are unreal!

I know. I am aware of that. I know that they are not real. I know that there’s no such thing as what these two people share. My friends are just disillusioned with love that’s why they feel that way. I know not of the thing they call love—especially the love they are talking about. Who would learn to love at a time like this? When all that people could think of are lust and greed?

But I am still infront of the picture. I do not crumple it, or tear it to pieces. Instead, I leave it where it was the whole time, lying around my desk.

And I continue to stare at it anyway.

[*Lilinaon vol. 3 # 1]

Drama Girl

2007-05-07T13:52:00.000-07:00

Leave me alone.
While the rain
beats
& soothes
my bruised heart.
Just for tonight.

Turning Korean

2007-04-30T04:28:00.000-07:00

Link

!!Just love this food trip!! Definitely one of the hottest!! Just like this year's summer!!hehehehehe!!

And Lala-sama, sowee again sa cam!! hope it is still a-okay!!waaaah!!

A Letter To Noone

2007-04-29T04:38:00.000-07:00

This is a recall from one of my entries in my Friendster blog posted on 29 august 2005

Just would like to repost this since this is the most viewed entry and had the most number of replies in my blog.

And I am glad to say now that gloom just remained on the paper (because this was written on paper in the first place...)

Read on.

I will keep your picture on my table.

Your eyes first reminded me
of my torment back home. Of my unfinished business. I thought
distance meant letting go. Unfortunately it wasn't. If you'd notice
me then(that is, if you did notice
me), you might think I was an unmindful, tough chick. But deep down I
was holding back tears. I felt like crying. Consoling myself even
that you wouldn't be a threat. You would be just a torment from afar.

But I was wrong. You
became more than that. You were suddenly sitting in front of me, our
eyes trying to steal glances from each other. Your eyes so much
reminded me of him. While stealing glances at you, I couldn't help but
wonder. Are you a dead ringer? A doppelganger? Or both? And like an
answer to my question, you came near, cracked a joke, and everything
fell apart. You were both.

I was shocked. I thought
this doesn't happen in reality. But you were right there in front of
me, beginning to be more and more like him. I was continuously telling
myself that this was just another pure coincidence. Or maybe I was too
blinded with the similarities. I was totally holding back. You were
beginning to be a good friend and the last thing I wanted to happen is
give in.

Suddenly, you were showing
strange signs. Signs that were making me think this was being more
than friendly. I shoved that notion aside. I noticed you were not
only doing it to me, you were also doing it to everybody. I didn't
want to be presumptuous. I don't want to
be presumptuous. The tickling of the nape, the biting of the arm, your
stealing of gulp from my glass of beer. They were just nothing.

But when I suddenly looked into your eyes when you told me take care, you became a living ghost haunting me.

Your smile reminded me of
betrayal. The silence was breaking me to pieces. It also confirmed me
of abandonment. Worse, I was seeing you less. One day, I saw your
eyes twinkle with happiness. I was able to recognize that delight. I
shouldn't be affected. I mean, I should feel nothing, right? I should
also be happy for you! But something is poisoning me.

Jealousy.

And i hated it. That caught me off-guard. You're just somebody else. I shouldn't be feeling this way. You are not him.

When I saw you again, those
twinkle in your eyes were no longer there. You were also on the mire.
Then our days suddenly ended with you, me, some friends, and
over-flowing buckets of beer. Our flushed faces and beer-smelling
breath were hiding the pain that was lingering in our eyes. You sat
beside me. Through the cigarette smoke-filled air, I unconsciously
shoved your hair away from your eyes. When I felt your soft hair on
my fingertips, I realized. You were no ghost from my past. You were you.

Then I went back to my
drink as if it was just nothing--which it really was. We became
instant drinking buddies once again, grabbing every opportunity that we
could to drink our miseries away. One Tuesday night, we decided to
go out and consume a bucket. With the acoustic music resonating
through the air, we added more to our bucket. Booze and cigarette
smoke were fogging in our heads, added by easy, laidback conversation
and sheer laughter on every joke. Everything was perfect. Sounds like
an ideal atmosphere for a perfect date. Apparently, it wasn't . Or
so I thought. You suddenly tucked my hair on my left ear. Then you
held my hand as you were leading the way out.

And then you stole a kiss.
Too shocked to react, I kissed back. Your lips were soft.
Different. Absolutely different. I looked away, I couldn't afford to
look at you. Maybe it was just a spur-of-the-moment kinda kiss.

But we stopped in the
middle of nowhere. You grabbed me for another kiss. It was braver.
Intense. Passionate. I lost my senses. I felt free. Did it mean
this is what we both wanted to do all along? Or maybe I just miss
doing this with somebody? But I didn't care. The important thing that
moment was I was kissing you.

I was seeing your
company in a different light. We still drank with our other friends
but we would at least find time to be alone together.

We talked about music. We
would sit back, relax, enjoy the clear, cool night breeze over our
ice-cold glass of beer. With the loud, rock music overpowering the
soft whisper of the wind and the waves crashing the sea wall, you held
my hand and smiled. We were enjoying the music. We were enjoying the
night. I took a deep breath. Amidst the smoke that came out from my
mouth, the air soothed me. I eased back and savored the warmth of your
hand.

As I was enjoying your presence, something was haunting me. Someone
was haunting me. I was suddenly getting scared. Like the wall I was
trying to build was beginning to crumble all over again. Especially
when I wasn't seeing you. Your face suddenly blurred in my reverie. I
was seeing your eyes, but they're not yours. I would see your smile
but it's totally different. It was a battle. I was tempted to look
back but I know I had no reason to. Definitely no reason to...

You were trying to make me
look back. I was beginning to see you even less. You were slowly
disappearing like an apparition. This was deja vu all over again.

Then you were gone. Like a
bubble that dissipated in the air. Without an explanation. Without a
word. Was it just like that? Like it were all just nothing to you?

I looked at your picture
once again. Seeing your smile made it all seem like a dream but your
laughter is still vibrating in my ears. Your voice was still seducing
me in my daydreams. I can still feel the softness of your lips. Taste
it even on mine. The warmth of your hand still burns on my hand.

And your smile will
painfully remind me of all that. Together with your silence. Your
rejection. My return to bondage. My crumbled defenses.

And because of that, Your picture will remain on my table.

mkll 08.12.2005

Erica's Rules for Writers

2007-04-13T06:32:00.000-07:00

1. Have faith--not cynicism
2. Dare to dream
3. Take your mind off publication
4. Write for joy
5. Get the reader to turn the page
6. Forget politics (let your real politics shine through)
7. Forget intellect
8. Forget ego
9. Be a beginner
10. Accept change
11. Don't think your mind needs altering
12. Don't expect approval for telling the truth -
(Parents, politicians, colleagues, friends, etc.)
13. Use everything
14. Remember that writing is Heroism
15. Let Sex (The Body, the physical world) in!-AMEN!!!HAHAHAHAHAHA!!:D
16. Forget critics
17. Tell your truth not the world's
18. Remember to be earth-bound
19. Remember to be wild!
20. Write for the child (in yourself and others)

There are no rules
Erica Jong

Publication is the auction of the mind of man.
--Emily Dickinson

Despite all the cynical things writers have said about writing for money, the truth is we write for love. That is why it is so easy to exploit us. That is also why we pretend to be hard-boiled, saying things like no one but a blockhead ever wrote except for money (Samuel Johnson). Not true. No one but a blockhead ever wrote except for love.

This may seem like bondage, but it is in fact the sheerest freedom. In a society in which everything is for sale, in which auctions and deals make news, being an amateur (one who does it for love) is the only remaining liberty. Do it for love and you cannot be censored. Do it for love and you cannot be stopped. Do it for love and the world of money and business envies no one more than you. Perhaps that is why they mock you. In a world of tuxedos, the naked man is king. In a world of bookkeepers with spreadsheets, the one who gives it away without counting the cost – is God!

better known as the phalanx position...

2007-03-25T03:45:00.000-07:00

It is beautiful when a brave man of the front ranks

falls and dies, battling for his homeland...

Young men, fight shield to shield and never succumb

to panic or miserable flight,

but steel the heart in your chests with

magnificence and courage.

Forget your own life

when you grapple with the enemy.

— Tyrtaeus: The War Songs Of Tyrtaeus

short but sweet...and 100% heartfelt

2007-02-28T18:10:00.000-08:00

I fondly describe him as an old soul. No, he is not an old,limping geezer masquerading in a young, virile physique. He just an adorable lad that gets fascinated with anything vintage (I bet he can be a good antique collector when he gets old-er.hehehe). He adores John Lennon and the Beatles. He enjoys listening to old folk songs and ballads. I caught him listening to the likes of Jim Croce, James Taylor and even to Starland Vocal Band's Afternoon Delight--the oldest song that I have ever liked, by far (1976? hmmmm...not quite old I should say, but old nevertheless). Now I can't help but wonder if he likes listening to Frank Sinatra as well? I bet he does...

He is at ease with people older than him. He can get to mingle with them as if they are just of the same age. He doesn't find it difficult to share his opinions and even listen and sympathize with them. He doesn't allow age to intimidate him.

And as what they say about old things, they are less complicated. They are just however, elusive. We still need to figure out how they really work--that is, if they are still working. And they also have to be operated manually most of the time. Just like this old soul. He makes things less complicated by knowing what he wants and would not allow anything or anyone to stop him from acquiring them. He prefers not to be surrounded with a lot of people(despite him being not an introvert), which I reckon is one of his reasons for not going to public places that much (What those other reasons are, I just hope I am wrong about it). He epitomizes silence for me. He does not make me yawn and long to sleep, but his presence gives tranquility in my being, making me feel secure and at peace with myself. Like a lost daughter that has finally came home after being away for so long.

That is what I love about him. More and more even. *Sigh*

Another Singles' Night Out

2007-02-14T18:36:00.000-08:00

I know it is another ordinary and typical valentine's day for me. I mean, like I am going to spend it alone for the nth time in my life. But inspite of that, I celebrated the day supposedly intended for couples. Sure I can snag a date this year if I wanted to. But since that wasn't possible, I decided to spend it with a friend instead. I mean, why allow myself to wallow on the the thought that I was with nobody on that day?

Initial plan then was to go to a friend's house and have a movie marathon of perhaps chick flicks or teen flicks. Anything that would make us not feel lonely. We dressed up for the "occasion." In my part, I decided to wear pink. Red is too common, sort of like either you are trying to advertise yourself that you don't have a date and maybe looking for one on that day or announcing to the world that you have a date and perhaps even so much in love or something (ugh!). I didn't wear black either. I don't want people to think that I am dateless and I am mourning about it. We're supposed to be 4, but due to some circumstances that we cannot totally avoid (i.e, not feeling well, need to run an important errand, etc.), 2 weren't able to make it. So it ended up with 2 single girls looking for fun on valentine's night. It was merely composed of food trip, window shopping for clothes and shoes, and of course, to make it a bit different from everyone else, we went to visit a carnival which we saw near the resto where we had our dinner. It was pure fun. Of course, we tried to make fun of young couples whom we caught dating or exchanging gifts on the day of hearts (mean girls!:P), retorting that they are so high school. Oh well, I bet they ARE still in high school. Now that's what we call puppy love. Dating just for the sake of the occasion They still don't know how it feels to really LOVE (I bet).

So who says valentine's day is only fun with a date?:)

Love on the mud...charuz!

hedonistic...so vday!!hehehehehe!!:P

date at the carnival, anyone?

4th charlie's angel...gunning down romance?0__o

Eat Less Dogarnit!

2007-01-20T00:42:00.000-08:00

This month's visitor was an overwhelming one that I had by far. Not only it has an unusually heavy flow (especially in my part), but I had these constant urge to eat and eat and eat!! I even have specific cravings and constant eagerness to eat them at a quick! Yesterday it was Loring's Dinuguan and something sweet ( I ended up eating chocolate, which is my classic craving on this time of the month). The other day, I just wanted to eat rice!! Buffet across the street was the perfect solution. The day before that, my cholo kebab wasn't enough so my friend and I went to buy an ice cream and I added shawarma to that. Afterwards, I would feel inevitably sleepy later in the afternoon. Then, at the end of the day, I would feel terribly tired that upon reaching home, I would grab a quick dinner, freshen up and then go to bed. If not for the heavy flow, I would definitely suspect that I could be pregnant (Immaculate conception? Maybe...Maybe not? Scary!!:P)

Just like all the ladies on this planet, one of my New Year's Resolutions was to slim down and lose weight. I've decided to don on a more feminine outfit for a change. Unfortunately, most of the feminine clothes that I like looks better if I were thinner, or worse, it doesn't fit my built, period. Furthermore,I feel practically all my clothes in my rack are shrinking! They're getting tight, especially on the belly part!!(Beer belly? I would still rather think that it is not!) I've been complaining every now and then about my weight and my built, but what can I do? Rather, what more can I do? It is just difficult! All I am constantly doing is wonder (yes, even until now!) how I was able to lose weight almost six years ago without exerting any effort at all? I kinda know for a fact that at that time, I didn't have that much appetite to eat. Now, I can't help but CONSTANTLY wish that I would also lose appetite this year. My brother lost some weight lately and it was because he wasn't eating that much. He and I share the same body structure and metabolism, more or less. If it works for him, then definitely it will work for me too.

But how on earth am I going to lose that freakin' appetite?!

I tried to diet, believe me. We are on a fish diet at home because of my parents' health. We also make sure that there are fruits and vegetables served every meal, which I try to eat as much as I could than meat. I appreciate food with less salt already and I often eat nilaga and sinigang without salt or soy sauce as much as possible. I make sure that I drink lots and lots of water everyday, even if it pains me to frequent the bathroom. I also tried to exercise by taking Tabong ( our beloved 8-year old dog) out for a walk around the neighborhood. I don't even smoke or drink beer that much anymore. Therefore, I am sporting a healthy lifestyle...at least trying to.

But then I realized that my exercise is not enough. Aside from the fact that Tabong has this penchant to crap on the neighbors' yard (which I bet now would give me a negative mark in some houses), she also has this thing to stop first and then walk slowly--somewhat like savoring those moments of freedom. We would run, sure, but it would usually last say, about less than 10 minutes? So much to pump up the adrenaline, right? I am now thinking of buying a jump rope in addition to that walking routine with Tabong. But I am not quite certain if it will be a good one to tone up my belly and butt. They say that going to the gym will be a perfect solution. To be honest, I am tempted to enroll, but my fear is this: if I stop, suddenly stop, I bet I would grow twice as big. Knowing me, I usually don't keep those kind of routines that long. I don't know why. Same thing with taking diet pills. That is definitely the fastest and the easiest way to slim down. But the thing here is, aside from the fact that it is expensive, there is that possibility that it would be harmful to the organs, especially to the liver (although I figured that beer is also harmful to the liver, so what difference would it make?:P)

I also dislike the thought of depriving myself of rice every meal. I am a typical Asian. My meal is never complete without rice. I don't consider eating burger at 12 noon as lunch. So, between burger and rice, I would rather eat rice at that time of the day. Most often, if I am really, REALLY hungry, 1 cup of rice is not enough for me. My mother would constantly remind me to eat 1 cup of rice ONLY! I scowl deeply every time she does that. I just hope that it would ruin my appetite, but sadly, it doesn't affect me, at all.

I have friends who have the same problems as me. That's just the fun part of it. We would talk about it like it is the gravest problem in the world ( I think it indeed is, right?:P). We would try to do something about it, but by the time we meet each other again, we would still end up pigging out and eat and eat and eat! Sigh...

They say that it takes self-control to lose weight. Believe me, even my inner voice is chanting to eat less. Sort of like my pep squad. But at times like these, especially if the hormones have a stronger voice, that chant sounds like a whisper. I even have nice clothes in my rack that doesn't fit me at the moment, but eventually will if I shed just a few pounds. However, here I am still choosing food over those clothes. Looks like I will end up selling them.

What could be the perfect solution here? That I can lose weight without me feeling famished all the time?

I hope it will dawn on me after I finish eating my bar of chocolate.

Toink.

Reunited?

2007-01-12T18:13:00.000-08:00

I was a fool to ever leave your side
Me minus you is such a lonely ride
That breakup we had
Has made me lonesome and sad
I realize I love you
'Cause I want you back
Hey, hey

I spent the evening with the radio
Regret the moment that I let you go
Our quarrel was such
A way of learning so much
I know now that I love you
'Cause I need your touch
Hey, hey

Reunited, and it feels so good
Reunited, 'cause we understood
There's one perfect fit
And, sugar, this one is it
We both are so excited
'Cause we're reunited
Hey, hey

We sat away from each other. We were practically avoiding eye contact, so that nobody would know. Our friends still think that we haven't seen each other for a long time. They definitely don't know anything. Part of me wanted that set up. I don't know how we are going to deal the fact that they would constantly tease us if they would know. And even if they don't, they would tease us even more. So I guess we both silently decided to let them tease us dry and not react whatsoever.

They suddenly hand us the microphones. We are told to sing a romantic song. A song that would totally fit us, that's what they said. The song that talk about being glad to be together again. The song already started when they handed the mike to you, but you are still in time then to sing the second line.

Everyone fall silent.

Then it is my turn to sing. All I just wanted is to sing the song right, despite not knowing how to actually sing it right. While struggling on each tune, I discovered how beautiful your singing voice is. And how amazing that you are able to complement it with my high-pitched, almost tuneless croak.

The show's over. They try to tease on the side, but we don't care. We lean back on our seats, hoping that the sofa would make us disappear on each other's sight.

And yet, I still see you at the corner of my eye.

jinxing it

2007-01-05T09:26:00.000-08:00

You asked why I don't want to tell everything. Why I don't want to be blatantly honest. I honestly told you I was scared. I was scared to tell you everthing. I was scared of jinxing it.

You asked me to define "jinxing it," like how can being honest jinx a certain thing. I explained. I am afraid that once those words, those statements come out of my mouth, things will change. Change for the worse, so to speak. It happened before, when I said everything and later on, it fell apart. I don't want it to happen now and I don't want it to happen again, if possible.

When will I be able to say it all? Maybe when I have overcome that fear. When I will no longer be afraid to fall and won't mind if someone will catch me or not.

When I will be assured that it would all be worth saying it all once again...

Bjork. Love. Lust. Pagan Poetry

2007-01-04T10:06:00.000-08:00

I am hooked with Bjork lately. For some reason, her queerness fascinates me. She is often described as a woman-child because of her voice and the way she looks. But what is amazing about her is that she combines innocence and sensuality when she sings, which is totally extraordinary. I bet if she is a porn star, she is definitely a queen especially in Japan!hahahahaha!! But good thing she isn't. I think she is better as a singer, right?

Bjork's lyrics is also sexy. I mean, her imageries perfectly depicts the emotion her song wanted to convey without being mushy at all. The same thing goes with her videos. Like practically all of them are totally original, like it has her trademark or something.

Listening to Bjork is like a sexual awakening of some sort. Like you are in for some exploration that starts from the groin and all the way up to your head because you just can't get over it. It gives you a certain high, but it is not really addictive. Then eventually, when you get to listen to her more intently, you would get to realize something deeper. Somewhat like getting in to a more serious relationship.

Bjork symbolizes a newfound relationship. Well, not exactly new, but newfound technically. An exploration of some sort. Right now, I am in the midst of exploring and at the same time delving deeper into this emotional crater, as I would want to call it. This might sound a bit crazy, but her songs act like an emotional comforter to me. Like it embraces the thought of me going through this carousel and at the same time somewhat like assuring me that there is nothing wrong to get into the ride and enjoy it. I believe that's what her song would want to imply...more or less. Even if a particular song is about unrequited love.

I just hope though that should the ride gets rough and bumpy, it would be comfortable still!

TMD

2006-12-15T22:11:00.000-08:00

Once again, thanks to the blog-goddess for introducing another site to me...now I can get to embed some favorite songs in my blog!! hahahahaha!! I am not worthy Roanness!!

Anyway, this is my ever favorite love song of all time!! I may want it to be played in my wedding day (that is, if ever I'll get married...toink!), but either way, it is my favorite love song. Period.

I remember reading in one of the issues of Savage Garden Fanzine (which I am a proud member for 2 years) that if Daniel was going to propose to someone, she would take her to a stage, would go down on his knees while this song was being played by the band. At that time, I think it's one of the most romantic way to propose. Of course, I couldn't help but wish that the girl was going to be me (I was grooming myself to be Mrs. Daniel Jones that time too, so...hehehehe!!)

Why do I love this song so damn much? I just love the way it was written. The melody is just simple, like a lullaby of some sort. Like all it just wanted to be is to be a love song, and that's what it really became. Its simplicity made it so direct that it if it was sung to you, you would definitely feel the intensity and the purity of that person's love to you.

Am I beginning to sound dreamy here? Oh well, that's just the way it is, I guess...*sigh*

A Better Man

2006-12-15T00:49:00.000-08:00

I remembered an episode in Will & Grace where Will saw his ex waiting on tables. He knew he was an undercover police when they were going out, and when he told him that that was what he was doing, he couldn't help but think that he "fell apart" after they called it quits. It was a sort of a feather in the cap for Will. Like maybe he realized that he couldn't live without him that's why he was falling apart. What he didn't know was, he was waiting tables as part of his undercover job with his boss also pretending to be a regular customer in the resto to help him out in case their man would come in and would give them enough evidence to arraign him or something (I am not that familiar with the legal terms or whatever you call that, so do pardon me!). To cut the story short, because of Will's sympathy of him being a "loser," he was following his ex around the resto asking him if there is anything that he could do. Of course, his ex was putting him off because he needed to concentrate on his job. Thanks to Will, it was discovered that he was still an undercover cop and that created chaos in the place. Thinking that it was a disaster, Will thought he had actually ruined everything for him. But then of course, he was wrong. The boss even congratulated him for a job well done despite the disaster that has happened. I wasn't able to fully watch the episode, but it ended with Will feeling bad because his ex turned out to be a better man after all. It was like he had this realization that he didn't turn out worse when they broke up. That it was the other way around. In other words, it was him that ended up regretting why he let their relationship end, somewhat like that.

At that time, I sympathized with Will--no, I empathized with Will. Let's just say that I am in a similar situation. I practically gave up a job that pays technically well, that's located in the country's capital, and was considered a stable, one of the most lucrative companies in the country at that just to return home, think things over and fix stuff, as what I've been telling everybody. Before that, I was practically hopping from one job to the other, and practically all of them were either not financially compensating, or it's making me look utterly pathetic. I have been planning to go to graduate school, or just take a graduate course, but until now, they still remain as plans. In other words, I wasn't growing. Absolutely not someone that you could go "ooh" and "aah" on when you hear what I have been up to.

Then you would be able to hear that someone you knew from your past is doing further studies (and about to graduate, I suppose), recently got a job in one of the most prestigious companies in the city, and financially compensating at that. He didn't experience the pleasure of hopping from one menial job to the other because he damn well knows where he is heading. Therefore, he is growing. He is definitely turning into someone your mama can be proud of.

I am not trying to say here that I was like Will that I regretted ending it almost half a decade ago. I may felt a bit insecure on what is going on in my life, but the good thing here is, I have fully understood the reason why it should happen. Like it was then that I was able to fully accept the reason why it happened.

As what I tell people when asked how each of us are faring, I would say "at least he turned out to be a better man after all..."

and then I would sigh.

Test Drive

2006-12-15T00:34:00.000-08:00

Finally! After months of deliberating, I was able to make my very own blog! The problem here is, I still find it a bit too plain NOT because I am not posting that much entries yet (after all, this account is still two days old), but I don't know how to freakin' do a template for my background! At the moment, I am using one of the templates available in this site just so my blog won 't look boring. Doh.

I still don't have that much to say at the moment but I would like to thank Roanness for inspiring me to make a blog. This will definitely be another roller coaster ride!! Nosebleed at that!

For starters, I would like to post here an entry that was initially written for my Friendster blog. I still don't know if I should be posting it there but anyway, here it is. Cheers!