-Vienna Teng
I think I have found the one.
Don't get me wrong. I am not trying to say this because I hear the clock ticking on my head, or because of the wrinkles that I [maybe] seeing around my eyes, but I guess I am just at this point that I can now get to say this, period.
The past six years were definitely no joke. They weren't flooded with anger, resentment,or tears, either. It was indeed one helluva ride for me. I was basically living like a vagabond, hopping from one place to the other, trying to find that perfect spot to calm my headstorms [as what I want to call it]. I even attempted to go far [at least not that far] just to prove to everyone, myself included, that I am willing to stand up for all the decisions I make. Believe me, it was definitely no easy feat. It was pure struggle, like trying to carry a thousand pound steel or something. Until the inevitable finally came. I headed back home.
Home wasn't even an assurance enough that all of these would end. I still came back searching, once and again. It is beginning to be frustrating that I started locking myself, lie on my bed, making the sheet gray from my neverending toss and turn. I struggled to bring myself back to civilization. And I thank God I did, because the moment I pulled myself back on, that's when that thing that I was looking for arrived.
And I never felt more peaceful in my entire life. And they all seem to agree. It was beginning to show on my face. On my disposition in life. On my changed lifestyle. It brought good on me, all right. That was two years ago. Those years were no joke, as well. Two years after, I have to honestly say that my bed of roses is slowly beginning to show its thorns. People once again are beginning to challenge me, especially on how to deal with them and prove to them of my worth and my determination and eagerness. The worse part here is, I became my own enemy, having this notion that I couldn't put up with the struggle that the solution to this problem is leave once again and never come back this time. Sacrifice all I have now, to put it bluntly. This thing that brought me peace is beginning to shed its sheep clothing. It is like testing how long I will last, or how far I will go. Or if I am going to allow myself to be devoured by these pack of wolves that are trying to pull me down. What they don't know is, with age comes maturity. Age becomes more tolerable to acceptance, too. Love the roses and the thorns. It is like appreciating a threadlike ray of light in a dark alley, that the more I see and be at the dark, or a vacuum, I never stopped walking and carrying on, even if it means stumbling and falling a million times. And no matter what happens, I could still give a smile and a peace sign, with me meaning it, at that.
At least, this is how I am seeing practically all things now. Or the people that I see and/or deal with. Two years is still early to tell, or even put a dark and obvious period on my statement. the miraculous part here is, I am not complaining of its longevity, at least, in my part. In fact, I welcome and cherish this, because for better or for worse, I am now more determined than ever to stick through this...no matter what.
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