Nothing indeed beats life's simple pleasures. I now feel wholeheartedly blessed with what I have at the moment. I am thankful for my Mom and Dad, who I should say are the coolest parents on earth. For my incorrigibly adorable brothers and sister. For my cousin who forever emphatizes with me. For friends who always made sure that they are there for me especially when I need them the most. For mischievous pitbulls. For kind, generous, wise, humble, intelligent colleagues. For challenging, yet fulfilling paperworks. For involuntary services. For Distance Learning Education. For sudden backpack trips and drinking buddies. For pop and rock music. For cigarettes and alcohol. For the tormentingly, traumatically beautiful past. For the highs and lows. For shrines on the top of the hill. For the inevitably shrinking social network [I am getting scared of my own space now, man!]. For love and pain. For humanities and the arts. For passion and dream. For life. As what I recently told someone, despite us seeing life as gray and bleak, it will still remain beautiful anyway because that's what it really is. I am not trying to say here that I am finally happy and will say goodbye to depression and sorrow, but I know I am getting there. By seeing what I have in a different light, I know that the light, the sunrise that I have long been waiting for is about to appear in the horizon soon. All I just have to do is wait with baited breath for it. There is just simply no other way.
Let go and let God. This, by far, is the most difficult lesson I learned. With head bowed down, tears rolling down freely on my cheeks, I humbly offered the heavy rocks on my pockets to God, allowing Him this time to carry them and move my plot forward. I don't know how to continue my life story anymore. I wanted to live--and end it with a powerful bang. Or at least end it meaningfully. But I am now at the point already that I exhausted my outline for it, thus ending up suffering from the so-called "writer's block." There were moments that I wanted these rocks to bring me down and not let me resurface. But I realized that these rocks, though heavy, would be useful in the interim. I can get to use them as a weapon against my demons. I can also use them to break this heavy chain wrapped around me. I can use them in proving to everyone, especially those who didn't believe in me, that these heavy rocks made me a better person. They made me stand firmly on my values, beliefs and principles. They molded me to be strong, heavy and firm, too, like them. Therefore, I am indeed a person to be reckoned with. It wasn't difficult to swallow my pride and accept my human frailty, but here I am acknowledging my limits and unburdening myself of this heavy chip on my shoulder. It's high time to seek for back-up. A strong and reliable one, at that. I have never been a spiritual person. I am not even proud of that either, but I wanted to treat my spirituality, or relationship with God in a more intimate manner. If I am going to go back or finally commit to a church, I wanted to make sure that that's what I wanted. That I am fully ready for it. Maybe what I am going through now is God's way of giving me a dose of my own medicine. Allow me to say that I am humbly and willingly drinking it, no matter how unpalatable it is in my tongue. But I am now taking one step at a time on this. One step at a time.
There is indeed time for everything. I pretty much considered myself to be a late bloomer. After seeing a couple of high school batchmates recently, they pointed out that I was the last one to come out of my thick shell and enjoyed my youth. I guess the same thing goes for me now. I am well aware of the fact that first, I am suffering from this burden for a long time already. That it's indeed way long over. I should be living a new life now. But unfortunately, that wasn't the case. I was also at fault why I prolonged my agony in the first place. But there are just wounds that take long to heal. This is one of them. Setting up deadline has never been a good idea because no matter how we plotted our goals and plans in life, somewhere along the way, something and/or someone will suddenly block your path and lead you to another direction. That's life. In other words, if I aimed/wanted to settle down with the one I love and have children by the time I turn 27 [my age now], it will definitely NOT happen if it's still not the right time. I know I have to feel the pressure. And yes, I have this fear that I will not be able to attain this goal. But everytime I think of those moments--great moments in life, some of them may have arrived late, but they came anyway...and I've never felt happier and contented. Enjoying life's simple pleasures indeed! At its right time, of course!
I wanted to make a difference. With this new disposition and new responsibility assigned to me, I am suddenly flooded on what I wanted to do. On how to make life worth living and living it to the fullest, at that. I realized how much I treasured the memories of my youth. I have to admit it wasn't grand, but my adolescent years were responsible in bringing me to the things I love the most at the moment: love, angel, music, baby [allow me to quote Gwen Stefani's clothing line here...hehehehe]. I noticed that I inevitably connect with people younger than me, most especially to teenagers. I worried at first because maybe I haven't matured much at all because I love being with them. But on the other hand, I thought, maybe it's the other way around. My heart aches for those teenage underdogs. For emo-driven kids, for misunderstood young people. One reason why I love rock music is that these rock stars speak for these "losers," assuring them that there is nothing wrong with them. That there is nothing wrong if we crash and burn. That things will be better in the end. Just listen to music and things will be better. I wanted to have that similar ministry. However, time didn't hone me to become a musician. Time brought me to writing and literature. I am not sure how I'd be able to do my ministry with my line of work, but so far, being around with these bagets, helping them to at least do well with a part of their studies pretty much heeded my desire to make a difference. Maybe if I will be given a chance to teach literature to them, I would welcome that idea. Life can't be all logic and numbers, we also have to appreciate its beauty by studying art and literature to balance things out.
As far as adversities and unseen enemies are concerned, I wanted to deal with them in a different manner. I don't want to use the common ways of dealing with them because I observed, as well as experienced it myself, that it always turn out bad. That it backfires and makes you miserable in the end. Counting 1 to 100 is a very tedious thing to do. But I believe that by doing so, I was able to think of other ways of venting out my anger. The outcome, or the end product is also another long wait, but what the heck? The bottomline is, calculated moves rarely go wrong. Apart from that, more people will admire you for your courage and creativity in dealing with "ugly" stuff. If I am going to be the anti-hero in the story, I don't want to be the type that people hate, instead, I wanted them to witness that there are other ways of getting back without me looking like a heartless bitch. Well, I think I am never one, in the first place.
And that's what we call karma.
Freedom. Allow me to rephrase a quote from Anne Morrow Lindbergh. You that I love, I wish to be free--even from me. As much as I wanted to beg you to stay, I know that I will just make your life miserable. And you are going to inevitably put the blame on me in the process. I fully enjoyed this privilege from Mom and Dad and I realize that gripping someone from the arm too tight is never a good idea. I know that they also hurt seeing me do things that they know are bad for me, but they just let me be because they want me to become a better person. They want to see me happy. I am also doing the same for you, too, because I want you to be a better person and I want you to be happy. However, the only difference is, if my Mom and Dad always welcome me with open arms everytime I come home, you will not see me doing the same thing for you anymore. Everything that we want always come with a price. And it definitely doesn't come cheap. I don't want to give you the pleasure anymore of getting the best of both worlds. I also longed to be happy. And since you are not here at my side to help me seek my nirvana, consider this as my last act of selflessness. I hope and pray that this decision you made wasn't made out of impulse or didn't originate from the groins or from the mouth.
And with that, I raise my white flag and close my doors and windows tightly shut.
Let go and let God. This, by far, is the most difficult lesson I learned. With head bowed down, tears rolling down freely on my cheeks, I humbly offered the heavy rocks on my pockets to God, allowing Him this time to carry them and move my plot forward. I don't know how to continue my life story anymore. I wanted to live--and end it with a powerful bang. Or at least end it meaningfully. But I am now at the point already that I exhausted my outline for it, thus ending up suffering from the so-called "writer's block." There were moments that I wanted these rocks to bring me down and not let me resurface. But I realized that these rocks, though heavy, would be useful in the interim. I can get to use them as a weapon against my demons. I can also use them to break this heavy chain wrapped around me. I can use them in proving to everyone, especially those who didn't believe in me, that these heavy rocks made me a better person. They made me stand firmly on my values, beliefs and principles. They molded me to be strong, heavy and firm, too, like them. Therefore, I am indeed a person to be reckoned with. It wasn't difficult to swallow my pride and accept my human frailty, but here I am acknowledging my limits and unburdening myself of this heavy chip on my shoulder. It's high time to seek for back-up. A strong and reliable one, at that. I have never been a spiritual person. I am not even proud of that either, but I wanted to treat my spirituality, or relationship with God in a more intimate manner. If I am going to go back or finally commit to a church, I wanted to make sure that that's what I wanted. That I am fully ready for it. Maybe what I am going through now is God's way of giving me a dose of my own medicine. Allow me to say that I am humbly and willingly drinking it, no matter how unpalatable it is in my tongue. But I am now taking one step at a time on this. One step at a time.
There is indeed time for everything. I pretty much considered myself to be a late bloomer. After seeing a couple of high school batchmates recently, they pointed out that I was the last one to come out of my thick shell and enjoyed my youth. I guess the same thing goes for me now. I am well aware of the fact that first, I am suffering from this burden for a long time already. That it's indeed way long over. I should be living a new life now. But unfortunately, that wasn't the case. I was also at fault why I prolonged my agony in the first place. But there are just wounds that take long to heal. This is one of them. Setting up deadline has never been a good idea because no matter how we plotted our goals and plans in life, somewhere along the way, something and/or someone will suddenly block your path and lead you to another direction. That's life. In other words, if I aimed/wanted to settle down with the one I love and have children by the time I turn 27 [my age now], it will definitely NOT happen if it's still not the right time. I know I have to feel the pressure. And yes, I have this fear that I will not be able to attain this goal. But everytime I think of those moments--great moments in life, some of them may have arrived late, but they came anyway...and I've never felt happier and contented. Enjoying life's simple pleasures indeed! At its right time, of course!
I wanted to make a difference. With this new disposition and new responsibility assigned to me, I am suddenly flooded on what I wanted to do. On how to make life worth living and living it to the fullest, at that. I realized how much I treasured the memories of my youth. I have to admit it wasn't grand, but my adolescent years were responsible in bringing me to the things I love the most at the moment: love, angel, music, baby [allow me to quote Gwen Stefani's clothing line here...hehehehe]. I noticed that I inevitably connect with people younger than me, most especially to teenagers. I worried at first because maybe I haven't matured much at all because I love being with them. But on the other hand, I thought, maybe it's the other way around. My heart aches for those teenage underdogs. For emo-driven kids, for misunderstood young people. One reason why I love rock music is that these rock stars speak for these "losers," assuring them that there is nothing wrong with them. That there is nothing wrong if we crash and burn. That things will be better in the end. Just listen to music and things will be better. I wanted to have that similar ministry. However, time didn't hone me to become a musician. Time brought me to writing and literature. I am not sure how I'd be able to do my ministry with my line of work, but so far, being around with these bagets, helping them to at least do well with a part of their studies pretty much heeded my desire to make a difference. Maybe if I will be given a chance to teach literature to them, I would welcome that idea. Life can't be all logic and numbers, we also have to appreciate its beauty by studying art and literature to balance things out.
As far as adversities and unseen enemies are concerned, I wanted to deal with them in a different manner. I don't want to use the common ways of dealing with them because I observed, as well as experienced it myself, that it always turn out bad. That it backfires and makes you miserable in the end. Counting 1 to 100 is a very tedious thing to do. But I believe that by doing so, I was able to think of other ways of venting out my anger. The outcome, or the end product is also another long wait, but what the heck? The bottomline is, calculated moves rarely go wrong. Apart from that, more people will admire you for your courage and creativity in dealing with "ugly" stuff. If I am going to be the anti-hero in the story, I don't want to be the type that people hate, instead, I wanted them to witness that there are other ways of getting back without me looking like a heartless bitch. Well, I think I am never one, in the first place.
And that's what we call karma.
Freedom. Allow me to rephrase a quote from Anne Morrow Lindbergh. You that I love, I wish to be free--even from me. As much as I wanted to beg you to stay, I know that I will just make your life miserable. And you are going to inevitably put the blame on me in the process. I fully enjoyed this privilege from Mom and Dad and I realize that gripping someone from the arm too tight is never a good idea. I know that they also hurt seeing me do things that they know are bad for me, but they just let me be because they want me to become a better person. They want to see me happy. I am also doing the same for you, too, because I want you to be a better person and I want you to be happy. However, the only difference is, if my Mom and Dad always welcome me with open arms everytime I come home, you will not see me doing the same thing for you anymore. Everything that we want always come with a price. And it definitely doesn't come cheap. I don't want to give you the pleasure anymore of getting the best of both worlds. I also longed to be happy. And since you are not here at my side to help me seek my nirvana, consider this as my last act of selflessness. I hope and pray that this decision you made wasn't made out of impulse or didn't originate from the groins or from the mouth.
And with that, I raise my white flag and close my doors and windows tightly shut.
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