A Letter To Noone

This is a recall from one of my entries in my Friendster blog posted on 29 august 2005

Just would like to repost this since this is the most viewed entry and had the most number of replies in my blog.

And I am glad to say now that gloom just remained on the paper (because this was written on paper in the first place...)

Read on.

I will keep your picture on my table.

Your eyes first reminded me
of my torment back home. Of my unfinished business. I thought
distance meant letting go. Unfortunately it wasn't. If you'd notice
me then(that is, if you did notice
me), you might think I was an unmindful, tough chick. But deep down I
was holding back tears. I felt like crying. Consoling myself even
that you wouldn't be a threat. You would be just a torment from afar.

But I was wrong. You
became more than that. You were suddenly sitting in front of me, our
eyes trying to steal glances from each other. Your eyes so much
reminded me of him. While stealing glances at you, I couldn't help but
wonder. Are you a dead ringer? A doppelganger? Or both? And like an
answer to my question, you came near, cracked a joke, and everything
fell apart. You were both.

I was shocked. I thought
this doesn't happen in reality. But you were right there in front of
me, beginning to be more and more like him. I was continuously telling
myself that this was just another pure coincidence. Or maybe I was too
blinded with the similarities. I was totally holding back. You were
beginning to be a good friend and the last thing I wanted to happen is
give in.

Suddenly, you were showing
strange signs. Signs that were making me think this was being more
than friendly. I shoved that notion aside. I noticed you were not
only doing it to me, you were also doing it to everybody. I didn't
want to be presumptuous. I don't want to
be presumptuous. The tickling of the nape, the biting of the arm, your
stealing of gulp from my glass of beer. They were just nothing.

But when I suddenly looked into your eyes when you told me take care, you became a living ghost haunting me.

Your smile reminded me of
betrayal. The silence was breaking me to pieces. It also confirmed me
of abandonment. Worse, I was seeing you less. One day, I saw your
eyes twinkle with happiness. I was able to recognize that delight. I
shouldn't be affected. I mean, I should feel nothing, right? I should
also be happy for you! But something is poisoning me.

Jealousy.

And i hated it. That caught me off-guard. You're just somebody else. I shouldn't be feeling this way. You are not him.

When I saw you again, those
twinkle in your eyes were no longer there. You were also on the mire.
Then our days suddenly ended with you, me, some friends, and
over-flowing buckets of beer. Our flushed faces and beer-smelling
breath were hiding the pain that was lingering in our eyes. You sat
beside me. Through the cigarette smoke-filled air, I unconsciously
shoved your hair away from your eyes. When I felt your soft hair on
my fingertips, I realized. You were no ghost from my past. You were you.

Then I went back to my
drink as if it was just nothing--which it really was. We became
instant drinking buddies once again, grabbing every opportunity that we
could to drink our miseries away. One Tuesday night, we decided to
go out and consume a bucket. With the acoustic music resonating
through the air, we added more to our bucket. Booze and cigarette
smoke were fogging in our heads, added by easy, laidback conversation
and sheer laughter on every joke. Everything was perfect. Sounds like
an ideal atmosphere for a perfect date. Apparently, it wasn't . Or
so I thought. You suddenly tucked my hair on my left ear. Then you
held my hand as you were leading the way out.

And then you stole a kiss.
Too shocked to react, I kissed back. Your lips were soft.
Different. Absolutely different. I looked away, I couldn't afford to
look at you. Maybe it was just a spur-of-the-moment kinda kiss.

But we stopped in the
middle of nowhere. You grabbed me for another kiss. It was braver.
Intense. Passionate. I lost my senses. I felt free. Did it mean
this is what we both wanted to do all along? Or maybe I just miss
doing this with somebody? But I didn't care. The important thing that
moment was I was kissing you.

I was seeing your
company in a different light. We still drank with our other friends
but we would at least find time to be alone together.

We talked about music. We
would sit back, relax, enjoy the clear, cool night breeze over our
ice-cold glass of beer. With the loud, rock music overpowering the
soft whisper of the wind and the waves crashing the sea wall, you held
my hand and smiled. We were enjoying the music. We were enjoying the
night. I took a deep breath. Amidst the smoke that came out from my
mouth, the air soothed me. I eased back and savored the warmth of your
hand.

As I was enjoying your presence, something was haunting me. Someone
was haunting me. I was suddenly getting scared. Like the wall I was
trying to build was beginning to crumble all over again. Especially
when I wasn't seeing you. Your face suddenly blurred in my reverie. I
was seeing your eyes, but they're not yours. I would see your smile
but it's totally different. It was a battle. I was tempted to look
back but I know I had no reason to. Definitely no reason to...

You were trying to make me
look back. I was beginning to see you even less. You were slowly
disappearing like an apparition. This was deja vu all over again.

Then you were gone. Like a
bubble that dissipated in the air. Without an explanation. Without a
word. Was it just like that? Like it were all just nothing to you?

I looked at your picture
once again. Seeing your smile made it all seem like a dream but your
laughter is still vibrating in my ears. Your voice was still seducing
me in my daydreams. I can still feel the softness of your lips. Taste
it even on mine. The warmth of your hand still burns on my hand.

And your smile will
painfully remind me of all that. Together with your silence. Your
rejection. My return to bondage. My crumbled defenses.

And because of that, Your picture will remain on my table.

mkll 08.12.2005